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Hi kids!
It's been about 7 months since I've even really been paying attention to my weight. It's always there and I weigh myself every day, of course, but I haven't had the time or energy to really focus on it and the fact that I want it to be lower.
A lot of things have changed for me. I'm officially done with therapy, and I probably won't go back any time soon, which is good. I moved out of my father's house in february because he moved outside of the bus system and i wouldn't have been able to get to school. I moved in with another friend's parents. They're very kind and super nice people but they always have a ton of food and alcohol around that anyone and everyone is welcome to, so I think my highest weight lately was when I was living with them. Now, I'm living with this friend (minus parents) in an apartment near-ish our schools. She likes a lot of junk food and cooks with a lot of oil and things so it's hard to stay as healthy as I'd like to. The only way she stays skinny(ish) is that she's a cheer leader on both her school team and a competitive team.
My stats are basically the same:
CW: 127.8
GW1: 125
GW2: 120
UGW: 108 - BMI: 18.5
I'm not going to try the ABC diet any more. Maybe some day I will but the numbers are so low and so restrictive that it's simply too easy to fail. For now I'm just going to start being more aware of calories again, and I'm going to go back to MyFitnessPal (username willow2293 if you wanna find me!) I'm going to set my calories at about 1000 (it was at 800 before) and just see how it goes. I don't want to be too meticulous with it because I know the roomie will cook something that I can't really count cals on, or measure out without looking too conspicuous.
With love as always,
~Willow

Quiz time!

How many of you can tell me how many times I've started the ABC diet and never finished it? Because going back three years and counting myself would just prove too damn difficult. Gold star to anyone who does though.
Anyway, point is, I've begun anew...again. And ABC day 1 was a freakin' success! On the ABC livejournal, I said I was "smoothie fasting" which turned out pretty close, as my aim was to have no solids today to make up for my massive fuckup last night.
It's pretty satisfying to know that all i've consumed today is...
2 cups chopped strawberries (frozen, hence, smoothies) -- 100ish
1.5 cups Soy Milk  -- 165
1 can of Vegetarian Vegetable soup -- 225
3 cups green tea -- 0
Bringing us to a total of.... 490.

y'know, it's kind of odd. Eating less makes me feel my cigarettes more. It's been weeks since i've felt a nicotine buzz but of the 4 or so smokes i've had today, i've felt it twice. I don't know if i like that or not because there was a point where nicotine buzzes would just make me sick.
Goodnight world. Wish me luck on my 50 day endeavor to thinness!
<3
~Willow

Yeaaah....

I suck at promises. Not going to make any more.

But i managed to magically hit 124.0 today, held there from yesterday.

it's unsurprising, to be honest, seeing as all i've had to eat today was an iced mocha, 3 cookies, and some soy milk.

But this recent low has inspired me to do great things. Or at least... y'know, stop being such a fat ass. I've been slowing down a lot recently. tired, exhausted, not sleeping well (it's 4 AM, for example), easily fatigued (I can't even stand long enough to wait for the bus). I want to do, and be better.

I want to start restricting again. I've started college. It's okay, but stressful, and lonely, seeing as i live an hour away from the campus and don't have any friends. I'd like to get some control back.

So i'm going to aim minimalistically, not necessarily to any calorie goal, but keeping in mind about 800 to 1000 cals per day, tops. i wanna start planning my meals out, with give room in case i go out or something. i want to start doing yoga again - there's this 4 part video on youtube that i used to be able to do, easy peasy, but i tried tonight, and got through about one and half before i gave up. I just need to get my act together.

Wish me luck!

~Willow

It has come to my attention,

That people actually, y'know, read this. just a few. but i think i'll try to make more of an effort to post for you guys. Not that i really have much important to say...

I spent a few days in the City preparing for College. i was sleeping at my sisters house so they insisted on feeding me. At least i'm back down to 125.4 now. Aaand i'm all registered for classes.

now i just need to find a way to pay my tuition.... >.< crap.

So there's something you may not know about me....

I'm a geek. I'm a complete nerd.

Almost all of my coping skills have boiled down to coloring, cigarettes, weed, mah dog, eating distorder(s) aaand.... Science Fiction. (Seriously on the nerd part though: I have Stargate SG-1 action figures, and i put an SG-1 patch on my purse.)

So right now i'm rewatching all of Farscape. i got through most of season 3 yesterday and last night. i'm on Season 4 episode 1 now and this cought my ear and inspired me to write in here:

Crichton {human}: "Is it torn bad?" -it: space dog bite on his leg that Sikozu's patching up.
Sikozu {Space alien chick}: "No, but it's the largest vein i've ever seen."

Crichton: [he explains it's so big to help him run faster. ] "obviously it needs to be bigger."

Sikozu: "It needs to be smaller. Everything smaller, lighter! Otherwise," she says as-a-matter-of-factly you'll never be able to shift your gravity center."

The way i've been thinking lately this really struck a chord.

On the upside, i'm 124.8 lbs right now. lowest i've been in quite a while.

New ticker: Audrey Hepburn

Created by MyFitnessPal - Nutrition Facts For Foods

isn't she beautiful? i've been told i look like her. only i'm heavier and she didn't have an eating disorder. :(

Been a while, eh?

So that family i was talking about last entry? Yeah they kicked me out like two weeks later. Saying i should be with my own family and shit. I understand. I moved back to my father's for a night, came home 15 minutes late on halloween and he had locked me out. So i couch surfed for a little under a month before i moved in with my sister again. I've been living here for about five months, but i'll be moving out come august for college, i guess.

I was doing really well for a long time. I wasn't restricting or purging, I wasn't cutting, I was smoking but i still smoke less than most of my smoking friends, and i haven't really been drinking or smoking weed regularly anymore.

However, lately i started a new depression medication, which totally reset my system and i'm totally out of it. i quit because i thought i was allergic to it, but it might just be the sun. anyway, i'm back to being depressed, and because i promised all of my friends i would quit smoking before graduation, i'm frantically searching about for a crutch to replace my addiction.

So i'm back, a phrase too commonly read on forum communities.
stats:
H: 5'4"
Starting Weight: 132
CW: 129.8
GW: 120 by graduation in may
I'm not doing ABC, but i'm trying to stick under 800 cals a day and i'm doing the 28 day challenge. Points for today, day 5:
Food: 2/2 (2 dog treats- weird, i know: 40; 1 apple: 80, 1 yogurt: 170; frozen veggies: 400; total: 690)
Water: 2/2
Exercise: 2/2
Post: 2/2
Challenge: 2/2 fun day, I went “shopping”
Total: 33/50