^-^ success!!! 0/500

I've decided that ABC started on August 18th. That way, I can make the 20th day three, which is 300 cals, not 500.

Today, Day two, I had zero out of 500!! I'm so proud of myself. All I consumed today was water and one 12oz. can of Diet Mountain Dew
I haven't decided if I want to break the fast tomorrow yet though. I'll take fruit to school for lunch, an apple or something, so if I'm weak or tempted by my friends' crappy food, i can eat that. Hopefully, i'll be able to stave off the hunger for a while longer.

I starting school clean and fresh. I cleaned my room (I actually have carpet in here. it's not just a vast land of dirty clothes... who knew?) and the kitchen and did a load of laundry so I have enough clothes for school.

Tomorrow I have to come home and read all the way through Of Mice and Men and annotate it. Way to leave the summer homework to the last minute, Willow. Good job. I have to edit an essay too, but that shouldn't take too long.

I'm so excited for school to start!

For the record,

I think it's so strange that people are curious enough to actually read this blog.... What's the appeal? I don't get it.
Thanks to the nine people who actually follow. ^-^ Shout back if you're still around! I'd like to hear from you.

Anyway...
Updates:
School starts, officially, on the 20th. The first day for Freshmen is tomorrow (or today, i guess). They have an assembly thing starting at nine, so I could go in an tech that. I don't have to, but it'll give me something to do tomorrow besides the homework I've procrastinated on all summer. It just means I'll have to wake up at seven and get to school by eight to help set up.

It's almost 4 AM now. I should go to bed....

I'm starting ABC again today, as in, the 19th. At the moment, I weigh 133.4 lbs. Suck. I hope to be skinny enough to buy a skimpy,slutty costume for Halloween. I've never done that before so it'd be a nice change.

I'm so exited for school to start. I can't wait to be teching a lot. I miss it so much. I'll be so, so, so easy to restrict too! ^-^ I'm so happy.

Much love to all my awesome followers!
~Willow

P.S. is it vain to think that I look like Audrey Hepburn? Just my face, of course, because her BMI was 17.4, but she was so pretty.... I'm not the only one to see the resemblance though....maybe someday I'll post some pictures. My sister took one of me a few weeks ago, and if you flip the image, it looks very similar to a print i bought recently of Hepburn. My father pointed out that i look like her and i couldn't disagree....

Back to techies.

Warped tour was AWESOME!! I can say with confidence that Warped Tour 2009 was the best concert I have ever been to. We saw roughly 8 bands. Streetlight Manifesto was the best set I've ever seen as well.

Today went well. I'm happy to be back with all the techies. We were missing one kid, but he might still be in Iowa, and he probably didn't get the email memo. We didn't notice anyone else being gone.

The bad thing about today, is that two kids went to get mountian dew and donuts.
I had one can, and two donuts. Two. >.< fuck my life.
*sigh* there was a time when I would have had 5 dews and 3 donuts by the time we were done. and not thought twice about it.

Good news: the school system put in place a limit of how many calories everything in the vending machines can have. So now they only sell diet sodas and life water. that's good for two reasons. i can get diet coke and diet mountain dew at school (even though i usually just get life water), and our tech teacher's mountain dew sales will sky rocket and we'll get a lot of money for tech.

Two more weeks...

In two weeks, school starts again. The next two weeks of my life look like this:

Sunday: Warped Tour. A lot of fun and music, and calorie burning ^-^ I'm so excited. I'm going mostly for the music and the friends, but the negative calorie day is going to be great.
Monday: Go to school, pay 25$ fine from choir, get report card, and be eligible for registration.
Tuesday: Registration. Turn in paperwork, Get locker (hopefully anywhere but junior lockers. i hate those hallways. I'd be much more willing to get a locker with seniors or even sophomores. Freshmen lockers suck almost more than junior lockers.) Get schedule. Bother Jason, help around art room/theatre. Avoid going home.
Wednesday: Freshman Registration/Orientation pep-rally thing. (We have to wake up at 6 something in the morning to be there by 7 so we can get everything ready by 8. The fucking principal sucks. I am not looking forward to waking up that early. It's summer!!) Teching that will be fun, until stupid student council starts talking. But then we get to spend all day in the theatre making our beloved mistress pretty again. That'll be good for us returners because we'll get a chance to be together and get used to each other before we have to deal with the noobs.
Thursday: Probably spending all of my time finishing Of Mice and Men and the stupid Essay i have to write on my writing process.
Friday - Tuesday: More packing and moving. Hopefully, the carpets will be in he new house by then and I can actually move my shit to my new room.
Wednesday: School starts, freshman presentation (Yes, i get to miss the last 15 minutes of my first class, and all of my second class on the first day of my junior year just so i can tech. Then i get to go to lunch and my 3rd class, then my 4th class will be tech. awesome first day)
Thursday: School REALLY starts. Eff...

Update on ana-related crap later.
I did loose a few pounds though. I'm back down to 128.

Well fuck.

ABC got totally fucked up. I kept binging and shit, then it was my bestfriend's birthday which turned out to be a 2 day binge fest. I finally got fed up and purged the huge pieces of cake. The next day, I made myself cake, ate that, purged in the shower. Today, I had 5 or 6 pieces of pizza and purged that in the shower, which ended up being a pretty close call because I'm stupid.

Here's what I put in my diary:

Oh wow. That. Was. Fucking close.
And my father is a moron.
We had pizza today. I had 6 pieces. Six. Or maybe it was five. Either way, it was a ridiculous number like that. Of course, I purged it in the shower. Showers are bad places to purge. The food bits don’t go down the drain because they don’t fit in the little holes. So I picked it all up and threw it in the toilet.
I forgot to flush it.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
So my father just comes down, “You okay sweetie?”
“Uhh…Yeah… Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Did you throw up your pizza?”
Oh shit. “Yeah…”
“’Cause there was a bunch of food bits in the toilet.”
“Yeah, they made my stomach feel really gross.”
“Yeah pizza has been doing that to me a lot lately too. Okay. I was just wondering if you were alright.”
“Yeah I am.”
“’Kay. I’ll get you that credit card in the morning. Thanks for picking up your stuff in the kitchen.”
“Uh huh.”
I heard him weigh himself on the scales outside my room when he left.
Close one.

btw, the credit card thing is for Blue October tickets for Monday ^-^ I'm excited. It's all General Admission so if I get there early enough, I can make it up to the front.

I'm going to try going on a 100 hour fast. It's very goal oriented so I might be able to do it. If not, I'll cut it down to 50 hours, and then start ABC.
Wish me luck!

Letters FROM my EDs

Willow's Winter Girl's HW: Due July 21, 2009

The assignment was to write a letter from Ana to us as if we had just reached our goal weight.
I have EDNOS. To me, that means I have a mix of a few different eating disorders. I wrote a letter from both Ana and Mia

Dear Willow,

I’m so glad that you have finally reached a place where you are worthy of your namesake. Willow Trees are graceful and whimsical. Their branches are thin and beautiful, swaying in the wind. Now finally, you are the same.

Congratulations, you have made it past 5 pesky goals to the ultimate state of being. Let’s not dwell on what you were but look at what you are! You’re 105 light pounds of skin, bones and a little muscle here and there. I want to reward you, but I’m sure you’ll find something that will suit your needs, as long as it’s not food.

I guess that brings me to my next point. I would like to take my leave of you, because it would seem that you do not need me anymore. You’ve reached your goals with my help so now what do you need this nagging woman for? So let’s imagine I wasn’t there for you in your moments of weakness to whisper in your year to tell you that you shouldn’t eat that food. Would you have been able to hold your own and not give in? Doubtful. Well, I simply don’t want to run the risk of that happening in the future. Instead, I’m offering to stay here with you forever. You’ll never have to be alone again.

Who knows? Maybe we’ll experiment and see what 100 feels like. Until then, I’ll be here when you need me.

Love,

Ana

Dear Willow,

I’d like to congratulate you on reaching your goal weight. 105 is smaller than I’d ever hope to be.

I know you haven’t had me around a lot lately. I miss you, but I know you’re better than me now. I’ll be leaving now forever, and hopefully you’ll never see me again. We had some good times, and I’ll remember them dearly. I wish you would too, but I know you look back on them in disgust. That is exactly why I can no longer be your friend and mentor.
I’m sorry our relationship has to end this way, but I know no other way.

Your friend and lover,

Mia

Letters to my EDs

Willow’s Winter Girls HW: Due July 21, 2009

The assignment was to write a letter from Ana to us as if we had just reached our goal weight. Unfortunately I MISREAD and wrote letters to Ana, Mia, and Pica from me. >.< oops. Oh well, I'll just re-do the assignment and post those up later.
I have EDNOS. To me, that means I have a mix of a few different eating disorders. I wrote a letter to each one that I can name.

Dear Ana,

First of all, you’re a bitch. Whenever the running commentary in my mind decides that you need a voice, you say nothing but bitchy things. You’re like a mean grandmother that has nothing better to do than nit-pick everything her descendants do wrong.

But, oddly enough, for that I must thank you. If not for you, I would never have lost all of that disgusting, unsightly weight. I would still be a disgusting, frumpy 130 lbs and not this slim, beautiful 100 lbs of nothingness.

Thank you for crinkling your nose at anything with more than twenty calories. Thank you for whispering to me that I’m disgusting every time I step in front of a mirror or onto a scale. Thank you for forcing me to put down the fork, and pick up the water. Thank you for hating me when I gained half a pound, and loving me when I lost three. Thank you for making me keep going when I thought I never could. Thank you for making me beautiful.

Despite the fact that you can act like bitch sometimes, I love you for it. Please, Ana, never change.

Love,

Your devote captive,

Willow

Dear Mia,

While Ana is the bitchy grandmother, you are the fun, crazy, doting auntie. When Ana was much too mean to take, you came up behind me rested your head on my shoulder, talking in my ear like a devil-conscious telling me what to do, and to ignore the mean little angel on my other side. You comforted me in times of stress and need. You offered me all the foods Ana wouldn’t let me near and made it all okay in the end by finding a way to get it all out of me.

I thank you for keeping me sane, but nothing more.

Mia, you are a best friend sometimes, but you are a bad influence. I love you but it’s time to change my ways. I can’t let you take over anymore. I worked too hard to get here, where I am today, for you to ruin it. Please, keep in touch, but don’t visit so often.

With few regrets,

Your friend and lover,

Willow


Dear Pica,
You’re disgusting. Go away. Leave me alone. Nobody likes you.
Kthanks, bye.