I binged and purged again today. I had 3 (THREE!!! O_O) cans of mountain dew. gross eh? Those, I drank while I was working so I couldn't just hop up from the light board and vomit.
Tomorrow, they're going to order pizza for the crew. I'm going to try to avoid it at all costs. It shouldn't be too hard, as they all believe I'm lactose intolerant. I am, kinda.
I didn't do the Spanish project like I said I would. I suck so much at this. I won't be able to tomorrow either because I'll be at work pretty much from noon to nine. Sunday isn't too much of a good idea either because again, i have to be there at noon. We pack up that day so we'll be there until all of the lights and cables are taken down, inventoried, and by the door to be shipped off on monday. We also have to rehang our curtains... those are always a bitch.
I also have to read the first three (maybe four) acts of Othello by Monday as well. I also need to catch up on math, and learn a semester's worth of crap for history for a huge essay test we were supposed to have on the day we had a snow day.
basically, I'm just fucked.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
Fuck Fuck Fuck
So, I fucked up.
At the rehearsal today, my friend brought a 12 pack of Dew...which, out of habit, I went for. Our Stage manager had these chips too. I meant to only have one, but they were damn good (they were organic and all delicious like all of those organic foods are) so I had about a serving (which is about 1/5 of the bag, which is 170 calories. Still, after the Dew, I wanted to go purge it. I should have. But I am light board operator and it is very difficult to sneak away from that job during a paid gig, especially when the stage manager doesn't want to take breaks because he wants to go home before nine pm.
When I got home, I felt gross already. I figured that maybe, maybe if I binged and purged, I'd feel better about it. So I binged on marshmallows and poptarts and some other crap and I managed to get most of that back up. I should have quit there, but I made the mistake of making mac and cheese. I ate the entire box. that's 1200 and some calories. that shit is really, really hard to purge. I got some of it up...maybe 100 calories worth... god I feel disgusting.
So not only did I break the no soda rule of the course, I broke the calorie rules of both the course as well as the boot camp.
And I feel disgusting.
I'll try again tomorrow, and I'll exercise harder.
another goal: doing that damn Spanish thing I should have done two weeks ago. I need to sit down and effing do that....
At the rehearsal today, my friend brought a 12 pack of Dew...which, out of habit, I went for. Our Stage manager had these chips too. I meant to only have one, but they were damn good (they were organic and all delicious like all of those organic foods are) so I had about a serving (which is about 1/5 of the bag, which is 170 calories. Still, after the Dew, I wanted to go purge it. I should have. But I am light board operator and it is very difficult to sneak away from that job during a paid gig, especially when the stage manager doesn't want to take breaks because he wants to go home before nine pm.
When I got home, I felt gross already. I figured that maybe, maybe if I binged and purged, I'd feel better about it. So I binged on marshmallows and poptarts and some other crap and I managed to get most of that back up. I should have quit there, but I made the mistake of making mac and cheese. I ate the entire box. that's 1200 and some calories. that shit is really, really hard to purge. I got some of it up...maybe 100 calories worth... god I feel disgusting.
So not only did I break the no soda rule of the course, I broke the calorie rules of both the course as well as the boot camp.
And I feel disgusting.
I'll try again tomorrow, and I'll exercise harder.
another goal: doing that damn Spanish thing I should have done two weeks ago. I need to sit down and effing do that....
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Ana Boot Camp at the Academy
I'm starting Course 1 of the Ana Academy tomorrow. I'm also going to try to do the Ana Bootcamp because it's 50 days long. The last day of school is in 52 days. According to Losertown if I eat 250 cals a day (the average for Ana Boot Camp) I will reach my goal weight of 105 by then.
My Current Stats:
ED: Ana/Mia
CW: 128
H: 5'4" (64 inches)
BMI: 22
GW1: 125 (by 4/8)
GW2: 120 (by 4/20) :)
GW3: 115 (by 4/29)
GW4: 110 (by 5/10)
END GW: 105 (by 5/23 - Graduation)
Ana Academy Courses:
www.freewebs.com/headmistressaki/WEBPROTECT-courses.htm
Ana Boot Camp:
anabootcamp.page.tl/Home.htm?PHPSESSID=5b42e4c2b83aa8a09dc42e3608fb79e0
Losertown Calculator:
www.losertown.org/eats/cal.php
Wish me luck!
My Current Stats:
ED: Ana/Mia
CW: 128
H: 5'4" (64 inches)
BMI: 22
GW1: 125 (by 4/8)
GW2: 120 (by 4/20) :)
GW3: 115 (by 4/29)
GW4: 110 (by 5/10)
END GW: 105 (by 5/23 - Graduation)
Ana Academy Courses:
www.freewebs.com/headmistressaki/WEBPROTECT-courses.htm
Ana Boot Camp:
anabootcamp.page.tl/Home.htm?PHPSESSID=5b42e4c2b83aa8a09dc42e3608fb79e0
Losertown Calculator:
www.losertown.org/eats/cal.php
Wish me luck!
Monday, March 30, 2009
forever ago...
I haven't written a blog in forever. I haven't really felt the need to.
Okay, that's a lie. I haven't really had the motivation.
I haven't had the motivation to loose weight either. I've been eating a lot lately. Every time I eat, I wonder to myself if I'll throw it up. I usually don't. I promise myself I won't eat the next day, or if I do, that I'll only eat fruit. I break that promise every day.
Now, I'm ready to get back on the pro-ana band wagon. I'm slowly starting to bring my obsession back out of the shoebox under the bed. I'm scared and I'm excited. I hate myself either way, I might as well look good doing it.
I found a cool work out. It's easy, for the most part. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AimPOSXe7n4 check it out. Last night, I also started a music video. I might make another youtube account and post it. Maybe. Maybe not.
Okay, that's a lie. I haven't really had the motivation.
I haven't had the motivation to loose weight either. I've been eating a lot lately. Every time I eat, I wonder to myself if I'll throw it up. I usually don't. I promise myself I won't eat the next day, or if I do, that I'll only eat fruit. I break that promise every day.
Now, I'm ready to get back on the pro-ana band wagon. I'm slowly starting to bring my obsession back out of the shoebox under the bed. I'm scared and I'm excited. I hate myself either way, I might as well look good doing it.
I found a cool work out. It's easy, for the most part. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AimPOSXe7n4 check it out. Last night, I also started a music video. I might make another youtube account and post it. Maybe. Maybe not.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Purging + Salsa = ouch
Hello, my wonderful, imaginary readers! It has been a while, almost a month, since my last post. Some new developments....
This weird thing has been happening to me: bulimia. I'm a piggish whore. I'm very wrapped up in myself and I'm very selfish. This makes me very gluttonous. I eat and eat and eat and eat and eat. And that is very, very bad. I've realized that this is bad, especially because it makes me gain weight like a bear before hibernation. So I went the easy way out and make myself throw up. I don't do this every day but occasionally, I feel the need to consume as much as I can and then vomit.
Today, I managed not to eat too much until around four PM. I went upstairs, pulled out a box of cereal, finished it off (there was only enough to fill a bowl, poured in some soy milk and ate it. I went on to another type of cereal, a bagel, and ramen. I scarfed it all down,then went downstairs to grab a towel and take a shower. This is only because my father and his whore were home, and I needed something to cover up the sound.
So I purged. I got up all of the ramen and even some of the cereal. the bagel seems to gave disappeared....
Now, I'm just finished eating a whole cup of salsa. No chips, just salsa with a spoon. Because my throat was raw from the purge, the salsa hurt like a bitch. I also had crackers, which helped, and now I'm eating fruit.
So that was my day, not that anybody actually reads this crap. Have a good, imaginary day!
This weird thing has been happening to me: bulimia. I'm a piggish whore. I'm very wrapped up in myself and I'm very selfish. This makes me very gluttonous. I eat and eat and eat and eat and eat. And that is very, very bad. I've realized that this is bad, especially because it makes me gain weight like a bear before hibernation. So I went the easy way out and make myself throw up. I don't do this every day but occasionally, I feel the need to consume as much as I can and then vomit.
Today, I managed not to eat too much until around four PM. I went upstairs, pulled out a box of cereal, finished it off (there was only enough to fill a bowl, poured in some soy milk and ate it. I went on to another type of cereal, a bagel, and ramen. I scarfed it all down,then went downstairs to grab a towel and take a shower. This is only because my father and his whore were home, and I needed something to cover up the sound.
So I purged. I got up all of the ramen and even some of the cereal. the bagel seems to gave disappeared....
Now, I'm just finished eating a whole cup of salsa. No chips, just salsa with a spoon. Because my throat was raw from the purge, the salsa hurt like a bitch. I also had crackers, which helped, and now I'm eating fruit.
So that was my day, not that anybody actually reads this crap. Have a good, imaginary day!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Fall and Lying
So as far as that new leaf in school goes, I think autumn is coming soon.... That's too bad. But maybe not; after I finish this entry, I'm going to go study for my history exam. I should be studying for math too, but I have a feeling I should have started studying for that a few years ago.
So over the weekend, I pigged out again. I'm back up to 125 *gag* and I'm extremely mad at myself. So, instead of letting myself stick with the original calorie plan for this week (1400) I'm going to cut it down to half. 700 max. I only had 144 yesterday. (Two apples) unless the black tea I had has calories. I'm fairly sure it doesn't.
I got my braces off. It's really nice. Brushing my teeth never felt so good.
I'm seeing a therapist to stop cutting and to deal with a lot of other problems I have. Today, she asked me what I was filling that spot with, because I told her that to stop cutting is to let (a self destructive) part of myself die. I told her that I didn't know. On the contrary, I do know. I know that ana is coming up to take that place. (This is how my friend started smoking. So that she wouldn't cut, and she wouldn't feel like she shouldn't eat, or to throw up.) It's really hard to open up to a therapist and then shut her out again when she reaches right that spot where ana hides. She wants to talk about it again when I go back because we ran out of time today. I don't know what to tell her.
So over the weekend, I pigged out again. I'm back up to 125 *gag* and I'm extremely mad at myself. So, instead of letting myself stick with the original calorie plan for this week (1400) I'm going to cut it down to half. 700 max. I only had 144 yesterday. (Two apples) unless the black tea I had has calories. I'm fairly sure it doesn't.
I got my braces off. It's really nice. Brushing my teeth never felt so good.
I'm seeing a therapist to stop cutting and to deal with a lot of other problems I have. Today, she asked me what I was filling that spot with, because I told her that to stop cutting is to let (a self destructive) part of myself die. I told her that I didn't know. On the contrary, I do know. I know that ana is coming up to take that place. (This is how my friend started smoking. So that she wouldn't cut, and she wouldn't feel like she shouldn't eat, or to throw up.) It's really hard to open up to a therapist and then shut her out again when she reaches right that spot where ana hides. She wants to talk about it again when I go back because we ran out of time today. I don't know what to tell her.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
750 - New Beginnings.
Yay for me. Even though my restriction rules for this week were 1500, I kept my calorie intake today to under 800 calories. I pulled this day of the week to keep it lower than my max.
Weight training was exciting. Painful maybe, but exciting. I'm almost positive I have asthma. We didn't do ab work today, but we ran. Thank god it was only one lap today. Running makes breathing extremely painful. Until the end of the class period, every time I took a breath, there were sharp pains in my chest. Fun, fun, fun. So now my legs hurt, because I don't run distances very often, and my pecs hurt from lifting. I managed to bench 20 lb. dumbbells today. ^-^
I've turned a new leaf in school. Over the last semester, I haven't been able to concentrate, I've had no motivation to go to school, I've had no motivation to do any of the work, I got relatively bad grades at semester. (C, C, C, A, A, B, B, A) This semester, even after the really shitty last week, I feel pretty happy. Maybe it's not even this semester. Maybe it's just this week that have made things look a little bit farther up. I did my biology homework tonight. I sat down and plowed through it all in about an hour. I'm proud of myself. It's only worth about five or ten points, but just the feeling that I got it done was worth every ounce of effort I put into it. I think the more effort I put into things, the happier I'll be. I hope I keep that mentality up.
I'm in therapy. I've been seeing my therapist since late November I think. She knows I cut, and I haven't cut in a very long time. We're working on that, especially. We're also working on my living situation at home. My father and I have had two "family therapy" sessions. The first one was hell. Today, we had another one that wasn't so bad. She wanted to keep it light so that it wasn't as bad as last week. There were chocolates in a little bowl by the door. I took two on the way out. Each one as forty two calories. I haven't eaten either of them. I'm proud of myself. I wonder how long I can last out with them taunting me.
My therapist doesn't know about my ED. She has absolutely no idea. Part of me wants to tell her, another part of me is excited that I still have a little secret.
Okay well I need to get to sleep here pretty soon. I took a four hour nap this afternoon but I'll still need a few more Z's before I get up to start a brand new day.
Weight training was exciting. Painful maybe, but exciting. I'm almost positive I have asthma. We didn't do ab work today, but we ran. Thank god it was only one lap today. Running makes breathing extremely painful. Until the end of the class period, every time I took a breath, there were sharp pains in my chest. Fun, fun, fun. So now my legs hurt, because I don't run distances very often, and my pecs hurt from lifting. I managed to bench 20 lb. dumbbells today. ^-^
I've turned a new leaf in school. Over the last semester, I haven't been able to concentrate, I've had no motivation to go to school, I've had no motivation to do any of the work, I got relatively bad grades at semester. (C, C, C, A, A, B, B, A) This semester, even after the really shitty last week, I feel pretty happy. Maybe it's not even this semester. Maybe it's just this week that have made things look a little bit farther up. I did my biology homework tonight. I sat down and plowed through it all in about an hour. I'm proud of myself. It's only worth about five or ten points, but just the feeling that I got it done was worth every ounce of effort I put into it. I think the more effort I put into things, the happier I'll be. I hope I keep that mentality up.
I'm in therapy. I've been seeing my therapist since late November I think. She knows I cut, and I haven't cut in a very long time. We're working on that, especially. We're also working on my living situation at home. My father and I have had two "family therapy" sessions. The first one was hell. Today, we had another one that wasn't so bad. She wanted to keep it light so that it wasn't as bad as last week. There were chocolates in a little bowl by the door. I took two on the way out. Each one as forty two calories. I haven't eaten either of them. I'm proud of myself. I wonder how long I can last out with them taunting me.
My therapist doesn't know about my ED. She has absolutely no idea. Part of me wants to tell her, another part of me is excited that I still have a little secret.
Okay well I need to get to sleep here pretty soon. I took a four hour nap this afternoon but I'll still need a few more Z's before I get up to start a brand new day.
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