I feel disgusted

A lot of things happened today.
My father woke me up early to work on moving, but i went back to sleep. The next time he woke me up, it was because the dog was dying.
So he would have been a douchebag today, but he was in a nice mood because the dog died. So, on my snow day, i got to go sledding with my (twenty two year old) sister. Yay exercise.
but....

I had:
Chipotle burrito: 710 cals
Mountain Dew: 290 cals
8 mini kitkat bars: 70 cals each: 560
8 mini butterfingers: 680 (actually there were more candy bars. These cals are just for the rappers i can find)

Total: 2240 calories.
FUCK

I think i'm going to purge here in a few minutes.

in other news:
i'm back up to 131.6.
I've been cutting like a surgeon. my arm looks like it's been through blenders on three different occasions.
and, as a Stage Manager for the fall musical, my stress levels have been through the roof.

My schedules for the next week and a half:
Friday: school 7 - 2:30 rehearsal 3 - 7
Saturday: rehearsal 10 - 2
sunday: rehearsal 10 - 2
Monday: school rehearsal 3 - 6 dinner 6 - 7 rehearsal 7-10
Tuesday: " "
Wednesday: school theatre is dark.
thursday: school opening night, call at 6
Friday: school show call at 6.
satruday: call at 6
sunday: show, call at 1. show lasts until... idk 4 ish. strike until 8 or 9 or 10. then cast party.

each night, the cast and crew go to either red robin or old chicago (the only restaraunts open after 8 or 9 in my "city") for dinner and bonding. I'm not looking forward to that.

i'm not looking forward to the dinner between rehearsals on our hellish long days.

I'm no looking forward to being fat fat fat fat fat in front of the guys that I hung out with my freshman year who will be coming back to watch the show.

I'm not looking forward to life.

i should be. this is my favorite time of the year. and it's ruined by me tip toeing around eating and binging and purging.
It's ruined by my father being a jerk.
it's ruined by my insanity.
it's ruined by the stress of this damned show (we have a lot of sets and not enough competant techies to move them at the right times.)

I. Hate. Winter.
I. Hate. My father.
I. Hate. School.
I. Hate. People.
I. Hate. Food.
I. Hate. Me.

Lousy

I feel pretty lousy. I've gained, I guess you could say. I haven't lost much in the first place. Either way, I suck.
I've been binging pretty much non-stop since Wednesday, when my dad pitched a fairly big fit about me not going to class. I spent an hour and a half in my school councilor's office sobbing while my father went on about everything that's wrong about me.
I've been cutting a lot lately. It's very strange to be back to that old habit. I love it, honestly. I've been cutting on my arms. It's not just one or two cuts here and there. No, it's a full on ravaging of my flesh. Last night I cut about 15 times in a two inch square area, plus a few on my hands. It's strange because I never used to cut on my arms. If I did, it was very little and not very deep. I used to cut on my legs because no one would see them. I was ashamed before. I'm still ashamed, in a way, but I don't really care what people think of me anymore. Honestly, if someone notices my arm, I'm grateful for the attention. So far, not many people have pointed it out. I wonder if they even care.

I'm afraid to weigh myself. I've been weighing with clothes on because that way I can convince myself it's just the clothes that are adding that extra six pounds, not the crappy food in my stomach.

Yeah, I'm pretty much hating myself at the moment.

Fast and new Music

I started a new fast today. It was kind of on accident. I had 4 tic-tacs, so say, 10 calories.

I'm gonna keep it going for as fast as I possibly can. Yesterday, I weighed 131.6. Right now, I weigh 128.6. I know it's all water weight but I can't help but be a little happy for myself.

So, somehow it took a year for me to discover Maria Mena since her last album came out. She's a really good singer with a beautiful voice, and she has a lot of songs dealing with her eating disorder. Check her out.