10/10/10

bleh. i feel like crap. i've been eating a shitton here at my new home. i feel heavy and weighed down and sick.
We had spaghetti and salad tonight. I put dressing on my salad, mistake number one, took a HUGE serving of spaghetti, got a HUGE serving of seconds.
today i've also had:
4 cups of apple juice, 2 pieces of bread, peanut butter galore, and a vinte java chip from starbucks. And a mountain dew.
after dinner, i just feel like purging. I won't, because i respect this family too much and i'm so thankful for them to even give a damn enough to even make dinner to just waste all of their care by literally flushing it down the toilet.

the past two days i've been very anxious and very depressed. I'm not sure why. The dad here makes me feel uneasy. i know he shouldn't, he's never said or done anything mean to me. On the contrary, he's letting me live in his house. But that's not really all. I keep thinking about reaching out to the family, but the mom is so controlling, it's hard to get close to her now that i'm on the inside. I think my friend's little sister has her own problems, and we're not incredibly close to begin with. My friend tries. I know she does. but sometimes i push her away, and other times, one or both of us is in a cycle of our day when we just want to be alone. But when i need her she's there for me. I'm so thankful for that.

Points:
ABC day 8: 400 cals
Cals Consumed: Unknown. >.< again.
Food: 0
Water: 1
Exercise: 0
Post: 2
Challenge: Sunday is make up day. I've organized my room (2 for sat) and I finally studied for spanish that i've been procrastinating on, so 2 for today.
D8/lbs-1/46
CW: 124

Friday and Saturday

It's three AM. I'm anxious, I don't want to sleep, and I spent most of today watching the third season of Battlestar Galactica. I've watched a good portion of this season today.

I didn't post yesterday. I got myself down. I was depressed. Now all of today I've been anxious. I even had a bit of an anxiety attack. If feels like someone is pushing down on my chest with a big hand. Like a corset but instead of collapsing my lungs from my ribs, it's pressure on my lower wind pipe and my heart, crushing my sternum into my spinal column.

Anyway, i'm just going to go ahead with points. I'm not really in the mood to hyper analyze everything i ate and did and didn't do yesterday.
Friday:
ABC Day 6: 200
Cals consumed: Unknown, but a lot.
Food: 0
Water: 1
Exercise: 0
Post: 0
Challenge: 0
D6/Lbs.6/34

Saturday:
ABC Day 7: 300
Cals consumed: Unknown.
Food: 0
Water: 1
Exercise: 2
Post: 2
Challenge: 0
D7/Lbs.6/39

Today was Botched

But that's alright. Today was day five of ABC. 100 calories was the limit. Ha.
Today I had an omelet with a whole bunch of stuff in it, mostly fresh though.
4 eggs: 360
1/2 cup Cheese: 200
Salmon: 200 (?)
1/2 Green Bell Pepper: 15
1/2 Tomato: 15
Onion, Garlic powder, lemon pepper, lime juice, Tobasco sauce: 20 (?)
Omelet Total: 795
The four eggs is a quite ridiculous, and i probably could have used less fish but other than that i believe the fresh ingredients were a good choice on my part.
What wasn't a good choice was:
1 Vinte Java Chip Frappe from Starbucks: 560
Total total: 1355

So i went 1255 calories over the limit. Some how, i feel okay with that. Tomorrow i'll do better.

food: 0
water: 1
Exercise: 2
Post: 2
Challenge: 2 (that omelet was gooood.)

D5/Lbs2.6/pts33

I moved out today. I'm finally in my friend's house, hopefully for good. I have to give up drugs and alcohol (i think i'll still be able to get away with cigarettes and sex though....) but being away from my father, it's totally worth it...I think. Maybe i can last the rest of the semester and then i can get emancipated and go rent my own apartment and have my own life to live.

Day 4 :D

Today went super well.
Food today:(Acai berry juice 300, apple 70, tea with honey, one tootsie pop 60, handful of grapes 70) I definitely didn't go above the ABC day 4 limit of 400 calories, in solids at least.
-honey and avocados, though full of calories, are safe foods for me because my mother was a bee keeper and she'd eat avocados all the time. honey, like acai berry is really good for you, especially if it's unprocessed, so i don't count calories for that-
My sister's family dragged me to a church choir rehearsal, and they got McDonald's. I told them i had eaten earlier. at the church thing they had cookies and grapes to feed us. i opted with the grapes and immersed myself in conversation so i couldn't eat too fast. my father's girlfriend bought a whole bunch of binge food today but i resisted all day. I feel like i have a TON of control today. It's refreshing.

Food: 2
Water: 2 (between my water, juice and tea)
Exercise: 2
Post: 2
Challenge: 1 (i hold doors for people all the time but i feel like i did a few mean things today so i'll take one point off.) +2 for yesterday, i finished my book report this morning. ^-^

D4/lbs2.6/26
CW: 120.4

Eh?

I don't know if i did well or poorly today. I stayed pretty good with my fast up until my "boss" brought pizza to the gig. He offered to share, and at first I declined, but i made a decision to let myself have one piece. i picked off the pepperoni and ate it slowly, but not completely focused on it. I'm almost proud of it. I allowed myself to eat, and i did. I ate normally...ish.
so, food today:
1 slice of pizza (300), 1 juice box (100 cals), 20 oz of Acai berry juice (360)
ABC Day 3 is 300 calories. That's all I had in solids at least, and acai berry juice is super good for me, so i think i'm okay today. Plus, i walked from my house to my vocational school (1.5 miles) and i walked from therapy to my house (almost 2 miles) then i went to work for 4 hours and worked my ass off moving choir risers and setting up stands and chairs for band and orchestra.
I think today was a pretty good day, over all.

Food: 1 (i did break my juice fast, but i did good.)
Water: 2 (i think, anyway. besides, i did have a lot of juice today)
Exercise: 2
Post: 2
Challenge: 0 (for now. I need to get up early tomorrow to write a book report i've been procrastinating on but tonight i just need to sleep. i'm so tired)

day3/lbs0.8/pts15
cw:122.2

Oh day 2

Monday: do something for yourself.
I stayed home from school today so i could catch up on some sleep. Then I went to work today, and got paid for pushing a mute button and taping a chord to the floor. I love my job. :D I think I managed to do something for myself today. :)

Food: 1
(1 bowl Raisin Bran 200 w/ soy milk 100 , Acai berry juice 150) i don't give myself 2 points for staying under 500 cals, because i might have another bowl of cereal tonight.
Water: 1
Exercise: 0
Post: 2
Challenge: 2

d2/lbs0/pts8
cw: 123

I made a promise and now i'm gonna keep it. :)

So, today sucked. The weekend pretty much sucked. I haven't left my house other than to smoke since Friday afternoon. I've been eating non-stop, though i guess today was better than yesterday.
Today was day 1 of abc. 500 cals. I failed.
Spinach-egg-zuciinni thing, a lot of juice, an apple, and some other things i can't remember right now but i feel like i ate more than that today. I do know that all these together made more than 500.
So, in accordance to the 28 day plan:

food: 0
water: 0
exercise: 0
post: 2 (well, at least there's that.)
challenge: 0 (no self esteem building today. quite the opposite actually)

so (day/lbs lost/points), 1/0/2

hopefully tomorrow will be better.
much love,
~Willow

Oh, the necissary evil.

It seems I come back here every couple of months, promise to do better, promise to come back more often. I never do. I hope this time that'll change.

I'm planning on doing the 28 day plan in combination with the ABC diet, which I'm sure I've mentioned before. According to Losertown I'll hit my Halloween GW in time.

28 day plan will make me post every day. ABC will keep me under my gw. When i wake up, it will be time to start the clock. :)

Wish me luck!
~Willow

GUESS WHO....

CAN FIT IN HER I'M-TOO-FAT-TO-FIT-IN-THESE-BUT-I'LL-KEEP-THEM-ANYWAY-JEANS!!!!!
That's right! I've lost enough weight to fit in the jeans i bought to make me loose weight. They were a whole five bucks at a garage sale but they've been hanging on my wall for a year, daring me to be skinny.
Finally, i'm there!

ABC, new challenge

Well, ":)" aka ed_anabootcamp is starting a new challenge, thanks to faye. she's such a good leader...

anyway, it's a classic who-can-loose-the-most-this-month-wins challenge. prize? thinness. Imagine that.

Well, there aren't any rules, so i think i'm just going to go with ABC too keep my goals in check. Day one: 500 calories.

food so far today: (i'll edit later tonight to include everything)
3/8s of an apple: 30
organic tofu: 80
grapefruit juice:180
Soy sauce: 10
Total: 300

Oh Gawd

I've finally, finally slipped under 120. i'm 119.8. this is fantastic. You would think i would be jumping around for joy. I'm not. I just keep thinking about what It'll be like at 110. 108. 100. 99. At 99 lbs, My BMI will be 17.0. 108, I'll be 18.0. I can't wait. This has taken much, much too long.

Smoking is helping curb my appetite so much. I love it.

I asked a girl to the Sadie Hawkins. She's obnoxious as hell but she's kind of adorable, in her own little annoying way.

Have a good day everybody (if anyone actually reads this)
~Willow

Just a quick update

Mid-december, i tried to kill myself. I got landed in a mental hospital for a week. They made us eat five times a day (3 meals, 2 snacks) so my metabolism got blown through the roof. when i went in, i weighed 128. when i got out, i weighed 126. Now, a month later, i weigh 121.4. WhoopWhoop. It's fantastic.

I've started smoking. It's hell. I hate it. but i love it soo, soo much. It's helping a lot with appetite, while it's ruining my already bad lungs. *sigh* like i need another addiction. *facepalm*

well, have a good day,
hope all is well in normal-land

~Willow