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My frog is creeping down...
I am 127 lbs as of ten minutes ago. It's one tiny pound away from my goal weight 1.

I'm proud of myself, except for the fact that I can't seem to stop purging. I've purged practically every night for the past two weeks. Today (well, i guess yesterday) i had 1 grapefruit, a bunch of vitamins, and a diet mountain dew. 100 calories. Wonderful. but then, i stared watching tv online. I got anxious. I started munching on some candy that I left on my window sill.
I ate two mini boxes of nerds, 4 starburst, and 2 packets of pez candies (those things are a lot more disgusting than I remember them). then i went down stairs and grabbed 4 ice cream sandwiches. What compelled me to do that is beyond me.
I ate it all, considered not purging, pressed play on the show i was watching, paused, asked, "who the hell am i kidding?" and then went to purge.
Wonderful night.

I got a new bed, a new desk, a desk chair, and a bookshelf. My father got pissed that i didn't express my gratitude (probably because I would rather sleep on the floor on my pillows as i have been for the past 2 years) to his pigwhore of a girlfriend for spending what was apparently 1100 dollars. I don't know why he thinks this new house will make all of our family problems just disappear. I still hate him.

anyway, i'm off to sleep now, even if it is 7 in the morning.
Loves,
~Willow

Whoop Whoop!

Today went super well. Yesterday was crap, I binged and purged. Twice.
Today, I super restricted and lost 1.6 lbs.
I had half an apple for breakfast (40)
I finished it at lunch (40)
I'll have some baby carrots and mustard for dinner (35 ish?)
Total: 115.
I'd say that's a good day.

I made index cards with my goal weights, rules specific to that goal, and rewards for when I get to it. (Ex: Goal Weight 1: 126 lbs. I can't watch Stargate until I get there. When I do, I get a Saturday of a Stargate Marathon) They're very encouraging.

Well, this morning, i weighed 130.0
Right now: i weigh 128.4.
2.4 lbs away from GW 1

Wish me luck!

Love,
~Willow

I feel disgusted

A lot of things happened today.
My father woke me up early to work on moving, but i went back to sleep. The next time he woke me up, it was because the dog was dying.
So he would have been a douchebag today, but he was in a nice mood because the dog died. So, on my snow day, i got to go sledding with my (twenty two year old) sister. Yay exercise.
but....

I had:
Chipotle burrito: 710 cals
Mountain Dew: 290 cals
8 mini kitkat bars: 70 cals each: 560
8 mini butterfingers: 680 (actually there were more candy bars. These cals are just for the rappers i can find)

Total: 2240 calories.
FUCK

I think i'm going to purge here in a few minutes.

in other news:
i'm back up to 131.6.
I've been cutting like a surgeon. my arm looks like it's been through blenders on three different occasions.
and, as a Stage Manager for the fall musical, my stress levels have been through the roof.

My schedules for the next week and a half:
Friday: school 7 - 2:30 rehearsal 3 - 7
Saturday: rehearsal 10 - 2
sunday: rehearsal 10 - 2
Monday: school rehearsal 3 - 6 dinner 6 - 7 rehearsal 7-10
Tuesday: " "
Wednesday: school theatre is dark.
thursday: school opening night, call at 6
Friday: school show call at 6.
satruday: call at 6
sunday: show, call at 1. show lasts until... idk 4 ish. strike until 8 or 9 or 10. then cast party.

each night, the cast and crew go to either red robin or old chicago (the only restaraunts open after 8 or 9 in my "city") for dinner and bonding. I'm not looking forward to that.

i'm not looking forward to the dinner between rehearsals on our hellish long days.

I'm no looking forward to being fat fat fat fat fat in front of the guys that I hung out with my freshman year who will be coming back to watch the show.

I'm not looking forward to life.

i should be. this is my favorite time of the year. and it's ruined by me tip toeing around eating and binging and purging.
It's ruined by my father being a jerk.
it's ruined by my insanity.
it's ruined by the stress of this damned show (we have a lot of sets and not enough competant techies to move them at the right times.)

I. Hate. Winter.
I. Hate. My father.
I. Hate. School.
I. Hate. People.
I. Hate. Food.
I. Hate. Me.

Lousy

I feel pretty lousy. I've gained, I guess you could say. I haven't lost much in the first place. Either way, I suck.
I've been binging pretty much non-stop since Wednesday, when my dad pitched a fairly big fit about me not going to class. I spent an hour and a half in my school councilor's office sobbing while my father went on about everything that's wrong about me.
I've been cutting a lot lately. It's very strange to be back to that old habit. I love it, honestly. I've been cutting on my arms. It's not just one or two cuts here and there. No, it's a full on ravaging of my flesh. Last night I cut about 15 times in a two inch square area, plus a few on my hands. It's strange because I never used to cut on my arms. If I did, it was very little and not very deep. I used to cut on my legs because no one would see them. I was ashamed before. I'm still ashamed, in a way, but I don't really care what people think of me anymore. Honestly, if someone notices my arm, I'm grateful for the attention. So far, not many people have pointed it out. I wonder if they even care.

I'm afraid to weigh myself. I've been weighing with clothes on because that way I can convince myself it's just the clothes that are adding that extra six pounds, not the crappy food in my stomach.

Yeah, I'm pretty much hating myself at the moment.

Fast and new Music

I started a new fast today. It was kind of on accident. I had 4 tic-tacs, so say, 10 calories.

I'm gonna keep it going for as fast as I possibly can. Yesterday, I weighed 131.6. Right now, I weigh 128.6. I know it's all water weight but I can't help but be a little happy for myself.

So, somehow it took a year for me to discover Maria Mena since her last album came out. She's a really good singer with a beautiful voice, and she has a lot of songs dealing with her eating disorder. Check her out.

Interview what?

So....BBC emailed me. I got the email through the web-ring I'm on (I think I have the banner somewhere on the fringes of this page). They probably sent it to everyone on the web-ring, but I got the email. They sent it on the 18th but I didn't get it til now because I never check my email.

Well, they're doing this thing about eating disorders and Pro-ED sites and want someone to interview about their motives on putting one up.

I'm debating whether or not to contact them back. Should I? *sigh* I don't know what to do.

When did this become an obligation?

I don't really want to write. I always talk about the same damn shit. It's the same thing over and over again. But I'll send an update anyway.

I've been binging every day. I restrict all day, do well at school, even when people offer me food. Then I come home and I stuff my face.

Tomorrow, my group in tech is filming a music video. I'm pretty excited for it, but I'm nervous. They say the camera always adds ten pounds. I'm fat enough! Another ten pounds will make me look like an obese whale.

My birthday's coming up. I want to be thin and dainty and pretty when i turn sixteen. not frumpy and bulgy and gross. I want to tell myself I will be at least down to 120 by then, but then I'd just let myself down and lie. I always lie.

^-^ success!!! 0/500

I've decided that ABC started on August 18th. That way, I can make the 20th day three, which is 300 cals, not 500.

Today, Day two, I had zero out of 500!! I'm so proud of myself. All I consumed today was water and one 12oz. can of Diet Mountain Dew
I haven't decided if I want to break the fast tomorrow yet though. I'll take fruit to school for lunch, an apple or something, so if I'm weak or tempted by my friends' crappy food, i can eat that. Hopefully, i'll be able to stave off the hunger for a while longer.

I starting school clean and fresh. I cleaned my room (I actually have carpet in here. it's not just a vast land of dirty clothes... who knew?) and the kitchen and did a load of laundry so I have enough clothes for school.

Tomorrow I have to come home and read all the way through Of Mice and Men and annotate it. Way to leave the summer homework to the last minute, Willow. Good job. I have to edit an essay too, but that shouldn't take too long.

I'm so excited for school to start!

For the record,

I think it's so strange that people are curious enough to actually read this blog.... What's the appeal? I don't get it.
Thanks to the nine people who actually follow. ^-^ Shout back if you're still around! I'd like to hear from you.

Anyway...
Updates:
School starts, officially, on the 20th. The first day for Freshmen is tomorrow (or today, i guess). They have an assembly thing starting at nine, so I could go in an tech that. I don't have to, but it'll give me something to do tomorrow besides the homework I've procrastinated on all summer. It just means I'll have to wake up at seven and get to school by eight to help set up.

It's almost 4 AM now. I should go to bed....

I'm starting ABC again today, as in, the 19th. At the moment, I weigh 133.4 lbs. Suck. I hope to be skinny enough to buy a skimpy,slutty costume for Halloween. I've never done that before so it'd be a nice change.

I'm so exited for school to start. I can't wait to be teching a lot. I miss it so much. I'll be so, so, so easy to restrict too! ^-^ I'm so happy.

Much love to all my awesome followers!
~Willow

P.S. is it vain to think that I look like Audrey Hepburn? Just my face, of course, because her BMI was 17.4, but she was so pretty.... I'm not the only one to see the resemblance though....maybe someday I'll post some pictures. My sister took one of me a few weeks ago, and if you flip the image, it looks very similar to a print i bought recently of Hepburn. My father pointed out that i look like her and i couldn't disagree....

Back to techies.

Warped tour was AWESOME!! I can say with confidence that Warped Tour 2009 was the best concert I have ever been to. We saw roughly 8 bands. Streetlight Manifesto was the best set I've ever seen as well.

Today went well. I'm happy to be back with all the techies. We were missing one kid, but he might still be in Iowa, and he probably didn't get the email memo. We didn't notice anyone else being gone.

The bad thing about today, is that two kids went to get mountian dew and donuts.
I had one can, and two donuts. Two. >.< fuck my life.
*sigh* there was a time when I would have had 5 dews and 3 donuts by the time we were done. and not thought twice about it.

Good news: the school system put in place a limit of how many calories everything in the vending machines can have. So now they only sell diet sodas and life water. that's good for two reasons. i can get diet coke and diet mountain dew at school (even though i usually just get life water), and our tech teacher's mountain dew sales will sky rocket and we'll get a lot of money for tech.

Two more weeks...

In two weeks, school starts again. The next two weeks of my life look like this:

Sunday: Warped Tour. A lot of fun and music, and calorie burning ^-^ I'm so excited. I'm going mostly for the music and the friends, but the negative calorie day is going to be great.
Monday: Go to school, pay 25$ fine from choir, get report card, and be eligible for registration.
Tuesday: Registration. Turn in paperwork, Get locker (hopefully anywhere but junior lockers. i hate those hallways. I'd be much more willing to get a locker with seniors or even sophomores. Freshmen lockers suck almost more than junior lockers.) Get schedule. Bother Jason, help around art room/theatre. Avoid going home.
Wednesday: Freshman Registration/Orientation pep-rally thing. (We have to wake up at 6 something in the morning to be there by 7 so we can get everything ready by 8. The fucking principal sucks. I am not looking forward to waking up that early. It's summer!!) Teching that will be fun, until stupid student council starts talking. But then we get to spend all day in the theatre making our beloved mistress pretty again. That'll be good for us returners because we'll get a chance to be together and get used to each other before we have to deal with the noobs.
Thursday: Probably spending all of my time finishing Of Mice and Men and the stupid Essay i have to write on my writing process.
Friday - Tuesday: More packing and moving. Hopefully, the carpets will be in he new house by then and I can actually move my shit to my new room.
Wednesday: School starts, freshman presentation (Yes, i get to miss the last 15 minutes of my first class, and all of my second class on the first day of my junior year just so i can tech. Then i get to go to lunch and my 3rd class, then my 4th class will be tech. awesome first day)
Thursday: School REALLY starts. Eff...

Update on ana-related crap later.
I did loose a few pounds though. I'm back down to 128.

Well fuck.

ABC got totally fucked up. I kept binging and shit, then it was my bestfriend's birthday which turned out to be a 2 day binge fest. I finally got fed up and purged the huge pieces of cake. The next day, I made myself cake, ate that, purged in the shower. Today, I had 5 or 6 pieces of pizza and purged that in the shower, which ended up being a pretty close call because I'm stupid.

Here's what I put in my diary:

Oh wow. That. Was. Fucking close.
And my father is a moron.
We had pizza today. I had 6 pieces. Six. Or maybe it was five. Either way, it was a ridiculous number like that. Of course, I purged it in the shower. Showers are bad places to purge. The food bits don’t go down the drain because they don’t fit in the little holes. So I picked it all up and threw it in the toilet.
I forgot to flush it.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
So my father just comes down, “You okay sweetie?”
“Uhh…Yeah… Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Did you throw up your pizza?”
Oh shit. “Yeah…”
“’Cause there was a bunch of food bits in the toilet.”
“Yeah, they made my stomach feel really gross.”
“Yeah pizza has been doing that to me a lot lately too. Okay. I was just wondering if you were alright.”
“Yeah I am.”
“’Kay. I’ll get you that credit card in the morning. Thanks for picking up your stuff in the kitchen.”
“Uh huh.”
I heard him weigh himself on the scales outside my room when he left.
Close one.

btw, the credit card thing is for Blue October tickets for Monday ^-^ I'm excited. It's all General Admission so if I get there early enough, I can make it up to the front.

I'm going to try going on a 100 hour fast. It's very goal oriented so I might be able to do it. If not, I'll cut it down to 50 hours, and then start ABC.
Wish me luck!

Letters FROM my EDs

Willow's Winter Girl's HW: Due July 21, 2009

The assignment was to write a letter from Ana to us as if we had just reached our goal weight.
I have EDNOS. To me, that means I have a mix of a few different eating disorders. I wrote a letter from both Ana and Mia

Dear Willow,

I’m so glad that you have finally reached a place where you are worthy of your namesake. Willow Trees are graceful and whimsical. Their branches are thin and beautiful, swaying in the wind. Now finally, you are the same.

Congratulations, you have made it past 5 pesky goals to the ultimate state of being. Let’s not dwell on what you were but look at what you are! You’re 105 light pounds of skin, bones and a little muscle here and there. I want to reward you, but I’m sure you’ll find something that will suit your needs, as long as it’s not food.

I guess that brings me to my next point. I would like to take my leave of you, because it would seem that you do not need me anymore. You’ve reached your goals with my help so now what do you need this nagging woman for? So let’s imagine I wasn’t there for you in your moments of weakness to whisper in your year to tell you that you shouldn’t eat that food. Would you have been able to hold your own and not give in? Doubtful. Well, I simply don’t want to run the risk of that happening in the future. Instead, I’m offering to stay here with you forever. You’ll never have to be alone again.

Who knows? Maybe we’ll experiment and see what 100 feels like. Until then, I’ll be here when you need me.

Love,

Ana

Dear Willow,

I’d like to congratulate you on reaching your goal weight. 105 is smaller than I’d ever hope to be.

I know you haven’t had me around a lot lately. I miss you, but I know you’re better than me now. I’ll be leaving now forever, and hopefully you’ll never see me again. We had some good times, and I’ll remember them dearly. I wish you would too, but I know you look back on them in disgust. That is exactly why I can no longer be your friend and mentor.
I’m sorry our relationship has to end this way, but I know no other way.

Your friend and lover,

Mia

Letters to my EDs

Willow’s Winter Girls HW: Due July 21, 2009

The assignment was to write a letter from Ana to us as if we had just reached our goal weight. Unfortunately I MISREAD and wrote letters to Ana, Mia, and Pica from me. >.< oops. Oh well, I'll just re-do the assignment and post those up later.
I have EDNOS. To me, that means I have a mix of a few different eating disorders. I wrote a letter to each one that I can name.

Dear Ana,

First of all, you’re a bitch. Whenever the running commentary in my mind decides that you need a voice, you say nothing but bitchy things. You’re like a mean grandmother that has nothing better to do than nit-pick everything her descendants do wrong.

But, oddly enough, for that I must thank you. If not for you, I would never have lost all of that disgusting, unsightly weight. I would still be a disgusting, frumpy 130 lbs and not this slim, beautiful 100 lbs of nothingness.

Thank you for crinkling your nose at anything with more than twenty calories. Thank you for whispering to me that I’m disgusting every time I step in front of a mirror or onto a scale. Thank you for forcing me to put down the fork, and pick up the water. Thank you for hating me when I gained half a pound, and loving me when I lost three. Thank you for making me keep going when I thought I never could. Thank you for making me beautiful.

Despite the fact that you can act like bitch sometimes, I love you for it. Please, Ana, never change.

Love,

Your devote captive,

Willow

Dear Mia,

While Ana is the bitchy grandmother, you are the fun, crazy, doting auntie. When Ana was much too mean to take, you came up behind me rested your head on my shoulder, talking in my ear like a devil-conscious telling me what to do, and to ignore the mean little angel on my other side. You comforted me in times of stress and need. You offered me all the foods Ana wouldn’t let me near and made it all okay in the end by finding a way to get it all out of me.

I thank you for keeping me sane, but nothing more.

Mia, you are a best friend sometimes, but you are a bad influence. I love you but it’s time to change my ways. I can’t let you take over anymore. I worked too hard to get here, where I am today, for you to ruin it. Please, keep in touch, but don’t visit so often.

With few regrets,

Your friend and lover,

Willow


Dear Pica,
You’re disgusting. Go away. Leave me alone. Nobody likes you.
Kthanks, bye.

Hey guess what!

You get 3 posts this month, not just 2. I've been pretty bad about that the past few months. Hopefully, you'll get a few more than 3 this month. ^-^

ABC is going well. I'm on day 5, the first 100 cal day, and so far I've had nothing but water. Yesterday I had what seems to be quite a bit to eat, but I only had 235 out of 400 calories. I feel great about it.

I'm a little stuck at 129.6 lbs, but at least I lost some. I'm confidant that I'll keep losing and hopefully by the time school starts (August 19) I'll be 115. Unfortunately, picture day and registration is August 11, my goal by then is to be 120. That's realistic right?

I did make that Ska mix that day and I skanked for almost 45 minutes. It was great! Now my legs are sore and it's difficult to walk. Good thing I like the feeling of sore muscles. Yesterday, I didn't eat until I got home late at night because I was painting the room I'll be living in when I move hopefully next month. It kept me moving for 6 hours or so.

I'll like that house because my room is on the top floor. the stairs go behind a little half wall thing that separates the kitchen from the hallway that leads to a "powder room" the washer and dryer and the garage. If I go in and out through the garage door, I'll never have to go through the kitchen ever! My bedroom right now is in the basement of an old house. Our stairs go into a landing right next to the kitchen. The only way to avoid the kitchen is to go outside and around the entire house and in through the front door. -_- laame.

Well, so far today has been a good day, and I hope to have a complete good week. Smile and make your week grand too! Much love, - Willow

Hello dearies

Today has been strangely good. My sister called and woke me up to go out to breakfast. There, I had a huge meal and blew up my 500 calorie limit for today (it's day two of abc) but I've been drinking water like a dehydrated camel so my mood is lifted. I also cleaned my room and did all of my laundry so my stress levels are very mellow, despite over-eating.

I found a new site called winter girls that's a lot like the Ana Academy only better. Classes start on Sunday, so I joined. my application hasn't been accepted yet, but I'll still follow the programs even if I'm not.

I think I'll make a mixed CD of ska music so I can skank. that's probably my favorite exercise next to rollerblading. Those two are the only ones I can break a sweat with and not die via asthma attack.

Have a good day! ^-^

one month later...

It's been too long, and I'm sorry for that. (I actually have followers now, thanks guys. <3)

Over the past month I've been somewhere between eating normally and binging every day. I've been purging more often than usual as well. Honestly, I'm sick of it. I want to be thin. I want to be pretty,and at the moment, I'm frumpy and fat.

I have about a month before school starts again, and although I'm sort of looking forward to it, I feel like my summer has flown by too fast and I've wasted too much of it by just sitting around on the computer 24 hours a day. I haven't really done anything. I did go to one party, on the fourth of july.

My sister and her roommate (Andrew. He's gay, and they've been friends since they were in middle school so I know him pretty well. I guess you could call us friends...on some strange level) came and picked me up on the fourth and we went to her most recent boytoy's party. Boytoy and Andrew work for the same bank, so it was a bunch of their friends from work. I didn't eat that day, of all days, and drank waaay too much. I ended up passing out during the fire works. i don't remember them at all. I do remember people trying to get me up, and me vomiting all over my arm. that was pleasant. I spent the night at their apartment and I don't know how long i was in the shower, but it was long enough for the water to go cold. How that's possible in an apartment building, I couldn't tell you. I threw up the next day when I tried to eat crackers. Mostly bile but my stomach still didn't want to deal with food or anything. I was nauseous until three days later. That sucked.

At the moment, I am the highest weight I've ever been. (Well, i was a few days ago, anyway.) I actually got up to 138 once. I was wearing clothes but even without them, I'd still be over 135. At the moment, I am 132. I want to be hot when I go back to school. To me, hot means under 115. I think I can get at least down to 115 by August 19. I'm starting ABC again today, hopefully this time, I'll make it.

Well, that failed.

I got weirdly depressed today. It was extremely strange. I lost a pound or two, and I had only eaten 70 calories. But I was in a very down mood. So I finally gave up and ended up eating 5 (yes, five) pieces of toast. Each one had peanut butter and honey, and two of them had banana on it.
Toast: 100x5 = 500
PB: 200x5 = 500
Honey: 60x5 = 300
Banana: 100x1= 100
Total: 1900
In about 15 minutes. That's a real binge, in the clinical, medical sense of the word.
So of course, I spent the following hour purging that. >.< Fail.
The toast and Peanut Butter definitely made the unsafe food list I made just before I cleaned my room.
This purge session put me into a very productive mood, the one I was dying to have all day. I drew a picture, titled "Bulimia." it's quite colorful. Then i talked to my Ana buddy for a while. (Oh yes, I made a friend! Yay!) Then I made a safe/unsafe food list, that I expect to grow soon. Then I did a load of laundry while i was cleaning my room. I even offered some support on live journal, where there seems to be a glaring lack thereof, before posting here!
Before i go to bed (it's almost 5 AM, i should get around to that soon) I'm going to make a plan for business/exercise/diet for tomorrow. I think I'm just going to go ahead and jump into the ABC diet. It'll give me good, attainable goals.

Hope your day goes well! Take care.

Fast, 1,2,3,4, ABC.

This weekend has been terrible. Not okay, not bad, but hell on a stick horrible. Today was worse.

I binged about a million times and for some reason, can't find it in me to purge. I'd rather not be purging at all, honestly. Instead, I'm going to try to restrict.

I'm also going to try not to weigh myself until Saturday. Partly, because I don't need to be discouraged if I gain a pound because that is part of what has been setting off binges. Another part of this is because even my father has admitted that our scale isn't entirely accurate. It's one of the old ones with the spinning dial.

Here are my stats:
5'4", BMI: 22.0
HW: 133
CW: 128
UGW: 108.
GW1: 120
GW2: 115

I might not be quite there by Saturday, but I want to hit by first goal by then. To do that, I'm going to fast tomorrow, just to collect my thoughts, and get my head on straight, then I'm going to do a 1,2,3,4 diet. Which is not unlike the 2,4,6,8, only less calories. After one cycle of 1,2,3,4, i'll start ABC.

Very Proud

I'm extremely proud of myself. I posted this elsewhere on the interwebs last night, but it needs to be posted here, because I am just that damn proud of myself.

[start/]I beat a craving! I realize that, to most, curbing a craving is something they do on an hourly basis, but oh lovely ladies you are skilled, you just don't know it.

The two piggish adults in my house have a horrible habit of buying junk food all the time. I swear, I think they view it as a hobby. "What new crap food can we buy today?" Well, with that nasty habit, I have a nasty habit of actually eating that disgusting food. Today, the pig-whore (the ugly thing that seems to be my father's girlfriend.) brought home a huge bag full of assorted Hershey's Chocolate. I'd already given in to a chocolate craving today, and didn't need another 100 calories to weigh me down. I pulled one little bar out of the bag and stared at it for a second or two. Then I just dropped it back in the bag. Feeling proud of myself, I slowly walked back to the stairs to go down to my room when I had the idea to get a drink of water, just so that I could get into the habit of reaching for water instead of reaching for food. As I drank the water, I tried counting down from 100, and filled up the glass again and again until i reached zero. I managed to drink 5 do it. glasses of water instead of giving in.

I LOVE having control [\end]

I'm considering doing the Ana Boot Camp diet. Yesterday I had 300 calories, which is perfect to start off ABC, which allows 500 the first day, as well as the second day. I might have to take them up on that extra 200 calories I didn't eat yesterday, and add them on to today's 500 because I'm going to a concert tonight. No Doubt's reunion tour, with Paramour and The Sounds. It'll take a lot of energy out of me, and I'll need it.

I'm at a steady waterweight of 125 lbs. My goal is to be down to 122 by the end of the week. It might be a bit of a pipe dream but it's worth a shot.

I'm sorry

for taking an entire month to post. It's been over a month, actually.
My best excuse is that it was the last month of school, I needed to focus on not failing.
I'm back up to 127 or so, which is amazing, considering I've spent most of the past month pigging out on just about everything in sight.
I have a little bit of a to do list for this summer. Regardless if you want to read it or not, here it is:


~Read Wicked again, all the way through this time.
~Read Son of a Witch,
~Read A Lion Amongst Men
~Read Of Mice and Men (this one is for school, summer reading assignment for AP language)
~Write a Novel - Finish the one that's already started.
~Lose 20 pounds
~Rollerblade at least three times a week this month, five times a week next month, and every day the last month. (except when it rains. Puddles + Bearings = rust = bad.)
~Draw a picture every day.

Fucking Cake

Damn it Damn it Damn it!

Once again, I failed.

I made it a day and a half. I didn't have anything to eat for at least 36 hours. I was feeling weak. Very, very weak. I was craving peanut butter. In hindsight, it seems like it might have been the better choice. I decided that it would be better to allow myself to break the fast healthily as opposed to getting weaker and weaker until I binge.

I let myself cut up a banana and a couple strawberries and put them in a bowl. I ate those, but I wasn't satisfied. I looked in the fridge and staring back at me were those damn things of chocolate cake. There were noodles and eggs and biscuits and tortillas and they all wanted me. I reached for the deli veggies and ate half the container. They were in some kind of oil dressing but for the most part, the dressing had sunk to the bottom and I was able to avoid it. I still wanted more. I lost control. I hate both pieces of chocolate cake. CAKE. after a fast. Sooo healthy. >.<

And I had lost 6 pounds! SIX! I'm aware that I would have gained some weight back after I finished the fast but at this rate, I'm just going to go back to where I started. FUUCK.

Tired and feeling sick

Due to lack of motivation, which is a bullshit reason, I haven't done my Biology homework. I also haven't done my Spanish homework, or written or practiced the "in my opinion" speech I'm supposed to give in English tomorrow. I've completely ignored the fact that I have any history homework, and I have an entire chapter of Math to do.
Any normal person would be overwhelmed. I think I'm past the ability to be overwhelmed. Maybe it's shock, maybe it's an inability to give a shit. Either way, I'm numb. It's all just useless fact, that while it has everything to do with me, my current state of being, my near future, and my distant future, it simply doesn't apply. Like seeing the stars through a pane of glass. They're all so wondrous, but they're distant and separate. They don't apply to the world inside your room.

I didn't go to school yesterday. I didn't go to school today. I'm hoping my father will let me bullshit my way through yet another day.

I've consumed less than 50 calories today. I've had 3 strawberries, a slice of tomato, 5 servings of green tea, an Acai berry pill, and a Bromalite pill. In a weird twist of fate, I'm now about 125 lbs. Kind of ridiculous.
I'm craving fruit and vegetables. I want the food. I'm also craving chocolate, but I think that's just because I'm PMSing. >.<

I told my friend about the fast. She'd like to do the same as me, but her dad is a chef. She supposes her mom will back her in a 3 day juice fast, but probably not in a green tea/water fast.

I don't know if it's the caffeine or the green tea magic trying to make my body repair the damages done by purging but my throat is raw. Maybe that will serve as an excuse not to attend yet another day of classes.

I'm feeling weak. In body, mind, and spirit. My body is exhausted from running on empty all day. My mind is set on pause because the rest of my brain is trying to figure out what the hell to do with all this random ass stimulus. My spirit is discouraged. Despite the fact that I'm loosing, it all seems to be in vain. What's the point? Why not seize the day and eat that little square of chocolate cake sitting upstairs on the counter, wrapped in cellophane?
Why? Because I know that if I do indulge, I'm never going to find any willpower. If I don't do this now, I'll never be able to. And for that, I will go from disliking myself, to loathing myself.

I need someone to tell me to keep going. Someone to tell me there is reason to this rambling rhyme. Will I ever find a purpose?

- Willow.

Frog and a Fast

Yay tickers!


I like my frog. Do you like my frog?

So! After plenty of binging and purging I'm taking the optimistic, hardworking route and doing a fast. I would say I'm punishing myself with a fast, but I don't want to think of it that way. Punishing myself sounds like I don't want to do it, when I do. Instead, I'm going to say that I'm celebrating the beginning of a new era by doing a fast.

I don't want to do a long fast, as I don't want to set myself up to fail. I'm thinking I'd like to accomplish a three day fast, including today. Drinking nothing but green tea and water, and eating strawberries. My daily calorie intake will stay below 100. I'll break the fast on Saturday by eating a banana or something, and have a soy yogurt and/or some cereal with soy milk later. We can get to that later. Right now I'm just excited about this fast. Wish me luck!

FML

If you haven't heard of FML.com yet, go check it out. google is your friend. I'm not dealing with links right now. fuck that.

So over the past few days i have been binging and purging and binging and purging and...etc. etc. It's kind of gross. I purged twice today. I never purge twice. The first one was kinda weak. Got some food out but I think most of the Ramen I ate decided to stick around for digestion. Fuck. The second one was amazing. I got every last bit of noodle whatever it was up and out. I've decided that eating red foods before purging is bad. You can't tell if you're coughing up blood or not. I'm sure that if I ever see blood in my vomit, I'll know for sure that it is truly blood. Still, every time I see some pink, I get a little uneasy.

and we're done with the gross stuff.

So with all this disgusting behavior, I'm back up to at least 130. Fuuuck. I have 4 weeks before summer and I don't want to start the summer fat. I want to confidently pack up the graduation speakers and crap in a bikini top and shorts. In order to be semi confident, I want to be 110. So I have four and a half weeks to loose 20 pounds. That's 5 pounds a week! Yikes! Wish me luck!

Gross. >.<

So I've gotten pretty good at ignoring the fact that I'm fucked when it comes to school. And I'm pretty good at bullshitting teachers so they've gotten pretty good at ignoring it too.

I've realized I go through phases of ana, mia, and over eating. I'll starve myself for a few days, or eat like a rabbit when I do eat. Then I'll binge, feel shitty about it, then purge. That usually lasts about a school week. At the end of that school week, I'll stop purging because I stop eating so much or I'll eat a combination of food that is absolutely disgusting to come back up. (like ramen and chocolate ice cream. ick.) Then I'll just eat more. Then I gain a little weight and feel gross, so I stop eating again.

The result is that my weight goes from 125 to 128 to 130 and back down again each week. I think it's fucking up my heart, simply because it doesn't know how hard to work.

I've convinced my friend (who has just about the same bmi, she's a little lighter than I am but she's a lot shorter) to go to the gym with me tomorrow at noon. I plan on working very, very hard.
As for tonight, I plan on going to our school play, put on by the advanced drama class. They suck, but okay. I'm only going because my friend is one of the student directors (she's a great director, just doesn't like acting and her actors are lame.) and because i have to be there later for strike anyway.

Starting tomorrow, i'm going to try going a week on a 500 cal diet. Yay for goals. even though i suck at keeping them.
p.s. sorry for this really long, long post.
OH! and did you notice that Freewebs froze Ana Academy!?! What the hell is that?

and the failure creeps back in

I binged and purged again today. I had 3 (THREE!!! O_O) cans of mountain dew. gross eh? Those, I drank while I was working so I couldn't just hop up from the light board and vomit.
Tomorrow, they're going to order pizza for the crew. I'm going to try to avoid it at all costs. It shouldn't be too hard, as they all believe I'm lactose intolerant. I am, kinda.

I didn't do the Spanish project like I said I would. I suck so much at this. I won't be able to tomorrow either because I'll be at work pretty much from noon to nine. Sunday isn't too much of a good idea either because again, i have to be there at noon. We pack up that day so we'll be there until all of the lights and cables are taken down, inventoried, and by the door to be shipped off on monday. We also have to rehang our curtains... those are always a bitch.
I also have to read the first three (maybe four) acts of Othello by Monday as well. I also need to catch up on math, and learn a semester's worth of crap for history for a huge essay test we were supposed to have on the day we had a snow day.

basically, I'm just fucked.

Fuck Fuck Fuck

So, I fucked up.

At the rehearsal today, my friend brought a 12 pack of Dew...which, out of habit, I went for. Our Stage manager had these chips too. I meant to only have one, but they were damn good (they were organic and all delicious like all of those organic foods are) so I had about a serving (which is about 1/5 of the bag, which is 170 calories. Still, after the Dew, I wanted to go purge it. I should have. But I am light board operator and it is very difficult to sneak away from that job during a paid gig, especially when the stage manager doesn't want to take breaks because he wants to go home before nine pm.

When I got home, I felt gross already. I figured that maybe, maybe if I binged and purged, I'd feel better about it. So I binged on marshmallows and poptarts and some other crap and I managed to get most of that back up. I should have quit there, but I made the mistake of making mac and cheese. I ate the entire box. that's 1200 and some calories. that shit is really, really hard to purge. I got some of it up...maybe 100 calories worth... god I feel disgusting.

So not only did I break the no soda rule of the course, I broke the calorie rules of both the course as well as the boot camp.
And I feel disgusting.

I'll try again tomorrow, and I'll exercise harder.
another goal: doing that damn Spanish thing I should have done two weeks ago. I need to sit down and effing do that....

Ana Boot Camp at the Academy

I'm starting Course 1 of the Ana Academy tomorrow. I'm also going to try to do the Ana Bootcamp because it's 50 days long. The last day of school is in 52 days. According to Losertown if I eat 250 cals a day (the average for Ana Boot Camp) I will reach my goal weight of 105 by then.

My Current Stats:
ED: Ana/Mia
CW: 128
H: 5'4" (64 inches)
BMI: 22
GW1: 125 (by 4/8)
GW2: 120 (by 4/20) :)
GW3: 115 (by 4/29)
GW4: 110 (by 5/10)
END GW: 105 (by 5/23 - Graduation)

Ana Academy Courses:
www.freewebs.com/headmistressaki/WEBPROTECT-courses.htm
Ana Boot Camp:
anabootcamp.page.tl/Home.htm?PHPSESSID=5b42e4c2b83aa8a09dc42e3608fb79e0
Losertown Calculator:
www.losertown.org/eats/cal.php

Wish me luck!

forever ago...

I haven't written a blog in forever. I haven't really felt the need to.
Okay, that's a lie. I haven't really had the motivation.

I haven't had the motivation to loose weight either. I've been eating a lot lately. Every time I eat, I wonder to myself if I'll throw it up. I usually don't. I promise myself I won't eat the next day, or if I do, that I'll only eat fruit. I break that promise every day.

Now, I'm ready to get back on the pro-ana band wagon. I'm slowly starting to bring my obsession back out of the shoebox under the bed. I'm scared and I'm excited. I hate myself either way, I might as well look good doing it.

I found a cool work out. It's easy, for the most part. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AimPOSXe7n4 check it out. Last night, I also started a music video. I might make another youtube account and post it. Maybe. Maybe not.

Purging + Salsa = ouch

Hello, my wonderful, imaginary readers! It has been a while, almost a month, since my last post. Some new developments....

This weird thing has been happening to me: bulimia. I'm a piggish whore. I'm very wrapped up in myself and I'm very selfish. This makes me very gluttonous. I eat and eat and eat and eat and eat. And that is very, very bad. I've realized that this is bad, especially because it makes me gain weight like a bear before hibernation. So I went the easy way out and make myself throw up. I don't do this every day but occasionally, I feel the need to consume as much as I can and then vomit.

Today, I managed not to eat too much until around four PM. I went upstairs, pulled out a box of cereal, finished it off (there was only enough to fill a bowl, poured in some soy milk and ate it. I went on to another type of cereal, a bagel, and ramen. I scarfed it all down,then went downstairs to grab a towel and take a shower. This is only because my father and his whore were home, and I needed something to cover up the sound.

So I purged. I got up all of the ramen and even some of the cereal. the bagel seems to gave disappeared....

Now, I'm just finished eating a whole cup of salsa. No chips, just salsa with a spoon. Because my throat was raw from the purge, the salsa hurt like a bitch. I also had crackers, which helped, and now I'm eating fruit.

So that was my day, not that anybody actually reads this crap. Have a good, imaginary day!

Fall and Lying

So as far as that new leaf in school goes, I think autumn is coming soon.... That's too bad. But maybe not; after I finish this entry, I'm going to go study for my history exam. I should be studying for math too, but I have a feeling I should have started studying for that a few years ago.

So over the weekend, I pigged out again. I'm back up to 125 *gag* and I'm extremely mad at myself. So, instead of letting myself stick with the original calorie plan for this week (1400) I'm going to cut it down to half. 700 max. I only had 144 yesterday. (Two apples) unless the black tea I had has calories. I'm fairly sure it doesn't.

I got my braces off. It's really nice. Brushing my teeth never felt so good.

I'm seeing a therapist to stop cutting and to deal with a lot of other problems I have. Today, she asked me what I was filling that spot with, because I told her that to stop cutting is to let (a self destructive) part of myself die. I told her that I didn't know. On the contrary, I do know. I know that ana is coming up to take that place. (This is how my friend started smoking. So that she wouldn't cut, and she wouldn't feel like she shouldn't eat, or to throw up.) It's really hard to open up to a therapist and then shut her out again when she reaches right that spot where ana hides. She wants to talk about it again when I go back because we ran out of time today. I don't know what to tell her.

750 - New Beginnings.

Yay for me. Even though my restriction rules for this week were 1500, I kept my calorie intake today to under 800 calories. I pulled this day of the week to keep it lower than my max.

Weight training was exciting. Painful maybe, but exciting. I'm almost positive I have asthma. We didn't do ab work today, but we ran. Thank god it was only one lap today. Running makes breathing extremely painful. Until the end of the class period, every time I took a breath, there were sharp pains in my chest. Fun, fun, fun. So now my legs hurt, because I don't run distances very often, and my pecs hurt from lifting. I managed to bench 20 lb. dumbbells today. ^-^

I've turned a new leaf in school. Over the last semester, I haven't been able to concentrate, I've had no motivation to go to school, I've had no motivation to do any of the work, I got relatively bad grades at semester. (C, C, C, A, A, B, B, A) This semester, even after the really shitty last week, I feel pretty happy. Maybe it's not even this semester. Maybe it's just this week that have made things look a little bit farther up. I did my biology homework tonight. I sat down and plowed through it all in about an hour. I'm proud of myself. It's only worth about five or ten points, but just the feeling that I got it done was worth every ounce of effort I put into it. I think the more effort I put into things, the happier I'll be. I hope I keep that mentality up.

I'm in therapy. I've been seeing my therapist since late November I think. She knows I cut, and I haven't cut in a very long time. We're working on that, especially. We're also working on my living situation at home. My father and I have had two "family therapy" sessions. The first one was hell. Today, we had another one that wasn't so bad. She wanted to keep it light so that it wasn't as bad as last week. There were chocolates in a little bowl by the door. I took two on the way out. Each one as forty two calories. I haven't eaten either of them. I'm proud of myself. I wonder how long I can last out with them taunting me.

My therapist doesn't know about my ED. She has absolutely no idea. Part of me wants to tell her, another part of me is excited that I still have a little secret.

Okay well I need to get to sleep here pretty soon. I took a four hour nap this afternoon but I'll still need a few more Z's before I get up to start a brand new day.

Things are looking up...or maybe horizontal.

Whatever the case is, it's an improvement from looking down.

It is the end of the month. The end of a terrible era as far as food is concerned.

The past two or three days I've been more conscious about what I'm eating, and I have become more realistic about my goals. I can't jump into this as easily as I had hoped. My mentality has transitioned from "you can't eat anything" to "you have to eat less and less until the time comes when you can tough it up and get through eating nothing."

Today, I kind of binged on granola bars, in a way. They're the kind that are temporarily addicting so you eat a ton in one sitting and then don't eat them for a long time. I had five little packages, so that's ten granola bars. Each package is 180 calories. Therefore, I've had nine hundred calories. It's already three PM so I think that's fairly okay. I've restricted to about 1500 for this week. I was thinking only 1000 at first but then I decided to take it very slow so that I feel good about reaching my goals so that when it's time, 300 calories a day will seem attainable.

At the moment, I weigh about 123 pounds. All month, I've been at about 130 or so, so yay for improvement. When I first made a goal chart to keep track of my progress, I had scheduled myself to be at about 115 today so I'll have to make a new one. I had charted things so I'd be at 100 pounds by spring break but now I'm thinking that it would be okay to be there by summer.

My boyfriend and I are on good terms. We're still okay friends except when I snap at him. But he's been making a little more of an effort to be less of an asshole. (He gets pretty dumb around his two best friends whom I tend to call "Bevis and Butthead" when nobody's listening.) But I'm healing and my mood has been a little better. It helps that I'm 100% off the pill now so I'm not getting mood swings when I miss one.

I've been going to school for the most part. Lately I've been pretty bad about finding excuses not to go. But I did go to a pretty strenuous weight lifting class on thursday. We did a really cool abs work out. When our teacher explained it to us, it seemed easy, but by our second set, we were already groaning. They were like bicycle crunches on slow mo. You put an elbow to the opposite knee for a 32 count, then switched, then did another 32 count, all the while lifting the other leg off the ground (32X2). Then you did 16 count, switch, 16, switch 16, switch, 16, rest(16X4). Continue with 8X8, 4X16, 2X32, 1X64. Then my friends and I really pushed ourselves with powercleans and squats. I'm still sore.

Tonight is our school's Sadie Hawkins dance. A few friends and I are skipping it to go bowling. That should be fun. ^-^ Especially because I have a crush on one of the girls that is going. (Oh yeah, surprise! I'm bisexual) Too bad she's straight. Oh well.

So I'm going to go make a new goal chart and some more thinspo pages. Much love! -Willow

P.S. sorry the last few posts have been so long.

Bad

I've been so bad recently. My boyfriend and I broke up so I've been depressed all month. As a result, I've been eating entirely too much. I haven't been logging my calories because I've been afraid of the result. Besides, I consumed too many to keep track of. Also, I've been sick. On top of pigging out, I've been too exhausted to move much, therefore, no exercise.
I started recording calories again today.
On an up note, I'm getting over whatever virus I have, and I've started going back to school. (According to my biology teacher, it takes exactly two weeks for your body to combat a virus.)
School means walking at least a mile every day with a backpack full of books half the time. School also means weightlifting, which loosely translates to some running, body "dexterity" exercises (dots, ladders -I don't know if those are unique to our school or not), and of course, lifting.
School includes tech. I run around a lot during tech because we have to jog up and down our steep staircase (which I usually do two at a time, both ways.) We have to run the rough 100 feet from the booth to the stage a few times, plus whatever distance we need to go to do what we need to do. It's wonderful exercise. I wish we had it every day.
We (tech) have a workshop to go to tomorrow. Apparently, it's hands on, and has a lot to do with intel lights. Intel is short for intelligent. They spin and tilt in different directions, they have multiple colors (how many depends on how expensive it is), and various gobos (a design cut out of a material-usually metal- to go in front of the light, to make it different shapes). Basically, they're a lighting designer's favorite toy.
I'll be up at about eight so I can be to my school at nine. Yay for Saturday school! We'll leave once everyone is there and drive for an hour. Once we're there we won't be doing a lot of running around or other exercise, but I do expect to stand around a little bit.
We'll get back to school around two or three, and probably go out to eat before we start on Operation Golden Canary. That's code name for fucking with the architecture of the school, ignoring most regulations, and busting down half the wall to one of our spotlight coves so we have more room in the booth. That should be fun. And tedious. The people I'm working with are not going to be fun. Tech's are like family, and there are some members of your family that you can't fucking stand. I get to work with most of those people. Hopefully, one or two of the techs I love and could stand forever will show up and save my sanity even though they're not supposed to work.
I'm not too worried about eating between the workshop and OGC. We'll probably go to subway or to our local market which is mostly organic. What I'm worried about is the food at the workshop. I've been to their workshops before. They feed you a hearty meal of donuts, coffee, and soda. Candy sometimes too. I'm also worried about actually being at OGC. As techies, we're all addicted to mountain dew, or have been at some point in time. There will be dew there. I wasn't allowed to drink it (or any caffeine) for a very long time because I was on a bet to not be able to give it up. But I can drink it again, and lately I've been drinking quite a bit of it. So many calories...
Oh well, I'll try to refrain from junk food.

Yay new fast and New thinspo!

I’ve been pigging out all day today (14th), all day yesterday(13th), and all day the day before(12th). I’ve been eating non-stop. Binging. I wish I could purge in some other way than throwing up. I hate, hate, hate vomiting. So I can’t purge. I have to keep it all inside me, filling up my fat cells. Sugar, helping cellulite cling to my ass and thighs. So ugly.

I was just going to fast for the one day after I binged, but I broke again yesterday and then again today. So instead, I will fast for three days. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I will go without food. Friday, my friend and I are going to the Rec. Center to work out (it's an all-out recreation center. It has a pool, steam room, sauna, basketball/volleyball courts, climbing wall, and a gym. Our city kind of sucks so everything is a little small but it all works.). I might have some celery that day so I don’t pass out. Saturday, I will eat absolutely nothing. Sunday, I will have some fruit at midnight, or if I go to bed earlier, just before I go to bed. I’ll have some celery or other vegetable at eight or so, or whenever I wake up. At noon, I’ll eat a soy yogurt. At three, I’ll eat something else with substance because the same friend and I are going to drink that night. I’ll try not to eat anything while I’m drunk, because if I do my body will store it as fat but I can’t promise anything because obviously, I’ll be drunk. Monday, I’ll try to eat nothing but if I do, it’ll be vegetables or yogurt.

I must be strong. I have to do this, for myself. You must not break. I’ll repeat. YOU. MUST. NOT. BREAK. You must keep control. You can’t give up just because your tummy gets a little whiny. Don’t be a slave to food.

Today, I made my first thinspiration page. I did that instead of going to bed. It was Keira Knightly in her famous flat-stomach showing white, half tube-top shirt and sexy low-cut jeans. My friends always said I look like her. They haven’t said it in a while. Maybe it’s because I’ve gained weight and she’s lost it and we no-longer look alike. I'll try to scan it and put it up here later this week so you can all see my amazing generic and lame art work!

Fucking Oreos.

I've decided that Oreos are my new symbol for pure evil. Once I start eating those I don't stop eating. I eat and eat and eat until all I want to do is throw up but I can't. I can't throw up because I can only throw up when I've had waaaay too much to drink and I don't have the right kind of access to alcohol in order to do that every time I binge.

I've binged everyday for the past three days. I feel like crap. I'm sick, plus I'm bloated from all the crap I've been eating. Oh, and apparently I'm lactose intolerant. I only drink milk when I have cookies so I didn't know.

I'm never going to get anywhere in life if I can't control this. If I can't reach my goal weight, how am I supposed to be able to reach any kind of goal?

I wrote this yesterday

I am weak. I am sad and the Oreos upstairs offer a chocolate haven from emotions. I want to feel the bitter taste of cocoa melt on my tongue, giving up to the softening ways of milk. I want to sift through the chocolatey mess to find that sweet, sugary inside. I want those fucking Oreos. I can't. Only three is a serving of 160 calories. I'm to fat to eat, consume, that much crap. I know I can't eat just three.

I can feel the control. Now, as I take another sip of water, I can feel the control. As each minute passes, i can feel it slipping through my fingers like sand, marking the amount of time I have before I break.

If I eat those Oreos, I will not be able to reach my goals. I will be a falure. If I can't keep myself from eating sugary crap, how will I ever be able to make myself loose those ugly, disfiguring pounds of flesh, of fat? How will I be able to make myself earn good grades in school? How will I be able to get to college, Emerson, if I can't reach the simplest, smallest goals of self control.

I am not a failure. I refuse to loose control. I am strong. I will reach my goals.

Fail

The fast only lasted about twenty four hours. I went on a huge, disgusting binge later that night. I was really disappointed in myself, but I plan on trying again during the summer. I know that's a long ways away but I have school and I have to be sane for that.

I haven't eaten much today. The bitch living in my house (my father's girlfriend) keeps trying to feed me shit and I'm not even hungry. I'm never hungry when I'm angry, tired, depressed, and sore.

The other day, I binged on chocolate. There were so many calories in that bar....I was so disappointed in myself. I also had a Chipotle burrito on thursday. I would have been very, very angry with myself if it weren't for the fact that I went to a concert that night and probably burned most of it off. Ever heard of Reel Big Fish?

That night, my boyfriend and I decided to go on a break. it was our five month anniversary and he was afraid we're getting too serious for our age. I don't blame him but I'm still a little sad about it.

I made an ana journal about a week ago. I haven't been writing in it the past few days because i've been so busy, but i miss it. i like to know exactly how many calories i've eaten.

Ten days late, my new year's resolution: weigh 100 pounds by spring break.