Well fuck.

ABC got totally fucked up. I kept binging and shit, then it was my bestfriend's birthday which turned out to be a 2 day binge fest. I finally got fed up and purged the huge pieces of cake. The next day, I made myself cake, ate that, purged in the shower. Today, I had 5 or 6 pieces of pizza and purged that in the shower, which ended up being a pretty close call because I'm stupid.

Here's what I put in my diary:

Oh wow. That. Was. Fucking close.
And my father is a moron.
We had pizza today. I had 6 pieces. Six. Or maybe it was five. Either way, it was a ridiculous number like that. Of course, I purged it in the shower. Showers are bad places to purge. The food bits don’t go down the drain because they don’t fit in the little holes. So I picked it all up and threw it in the toilet.
I forgot to flush it.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
So my father just comes down, “You okay sweetie?”
“Uhh…Yeah… Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Did you throw up your pizza?”
Oh shit. “Yeah…”
“’Cause there was a bunch of food bits in the toilet.”
“Yeah, they made my stomach feel really gross.”
“Yeah pizza has been doing that to me a lot lately too. Okay. I was just wondering if you were alright.”
“Yeah I am.”
“’Kay. I’ll get you that credit card in the morning. Thanks for picking up your stuff in the kitchen.”
“Uh huh.”
I heard him weigh himself on the scales outside my room when he left.
Close one.

btw, the credit card thing is for Blue October tickets for Monday ^-^ I'm excited. It's all General Admission so if I get there early enough, I can make it up to the front.

I'm going to try going on a 100 hour fast. It's very goal oriented so I might be able to do it. If not, I'll cut it down to 50 hours, and then start ABC.
Wish me luck!

Letters FROM my EDs

Willow's Winter Girl's HW: Due July 21, 2009

The assignment was to write a letter from Ana to us as if we had just reached our goal weight.
I have EDNOS. To me, that means I have a mix of a few different eating disorders. I wrote a letter from both Ana and Mia

Dear Willow,

I’m so glad that you have finally reached a place where you are worthy of your namesake. Willow Trees are graceful and whimsical. Their branches are thin and beautiful, swaying in the wind. Now finally, you are the same.

Congratulations, you have made it past 5 pesky goals to the ultimate state of being. Let’s not dwell on what you were but look at what you are! You’re 105 light pounds of skin, bones and a little muscle here and there. I want to reward you, but I’m sure you’ll find something that will suit your needs, as long as it’s not food.

I guess that brings me to my next point. I would like to take my leave of you, because it would seem that you do not need me anymore. You’ve reached your goals with my help so now what do you need this nagging woman for? So let’s imagine I wasn’t there for you in your moments of weakness to whisper in your year to tell you that you shouldn’t eat that food. Would you have been able to hold your own and not give in? Doubtful. Well, I simply don’t want to run the risk of that happening in the future. Instead, I’m offering to stay here with you forever. You’ll never have to be alone again.

Who knows? Maybe we’ll experiment and see what 100 feels like. Until then, I’ll be here when you need me.

Love,

Ana

Dear Willow,

I’d like to congratulate you on reaching your goal weight. 105 is smaller than I’d ever hope to be.

I know you haven’t had me around a lot lately. I miss you, but I know you’re better than me now. I’ll be leaving now forever, and hopefully you’ll never see me again. We had some good times, and I’ll remember them dearly. I wish you would too, but I know you look back on them in disgust. That is exactly why I can no longer be your friend and mentor.
I’m sorry our relationship has to end this way, but I know no other way.

Your friend and lover,

Mia

Letters to my EDs

Willow’s Winter Girls HW: Due July 21, 2009

The assignment was to write a letter from Ana to us as if we had just reached our goal weight. Unfortunately I MISREAD and wrote letters to Ana, Mia, and Pica from me. >.< oops. Oh well, I'll just re-do the assignment and post those up later.
I have EDNOS. To me, that means I have a mix of a few different eating disorders. I wrote a letter to each one that I can name.

Dear Ana,

First of all, you’re a bitch. Whenever the running commentary in my mind decides that you need a voice, you say nothing but bitchy things. You’re like a mean grandmother that has nothing better to do than nit-pick everything her descendants do wrong.

But, oddly enough, for that I must thank you. If not for you, I would never have lost all of that disgusting, unsightly weight. I would still be a disgusting, frumpy 130 lbs and not this slim, beautiful 100 lbs of nothingness.

Thank you for crinkling your nose at anything with more than twenty calories. Thank you for whispering to me that I’m disgusting every time I step in front of a mirror or onto a scale. Thank you for forcing me to put down the fork, and pick up the water. Thank you for hating me when I gained half a pound, and loving me when I lost three. Thank you for making me keep going when I thought I never could. Thank you for making me beautiful.

Despite the fact that you can act like bitch sometimes, I love you for it. Please, Ana, never change.

Love,

Your devote captive,

Willow

Dear Mia,

While Ana is the bitchy grandmother, you are the fun, crazy, doting auntie. When Ana was much too mean to take, you came up behind me rested your head on my shoulder, talking in my ear like a devil-conscious telling me what to do, and to ignore the mean little angel on my other side. You comforted me in times of stress and need. You offered me all the foods Ana wouldn’t let me near and made it all okay in the end by finding a way to get it all out of me.

I thank you for keeping me sane, but nothing more.

Mia, you are a best friend sometimes, but you are a bad influence. I love you but it’s time to change my ways. I can’t let you take over anymore. I worked too hard to get here, where I am today, for you to ruin it. Please, keep in touch, but don’t visit so often.

With few regrets,

Your friend and lover,

Willow


Dear Pica,
You’re disgusting. Go away. Leave me alone. Nobody likes you.
Kthanks, bye.

Hey guess what!

You get 3 posts this month, not just 2. I've been pretty bad about that the past few months. Hopefully, you'll get a few more than 3 this month. ^-^

ABC is going well. I'm on day 5, the first 100 cal day, and so far I've had nothing but water. Yesterday I had what seems to be quite a bit to eat, but I only had 235 out of 400 calories. I feel great about it.

I'm a little stuck at 129.6 lbs, but at least I lost some. I'm confidant that I'll keep losing and hopefully by the time school starts (August 19) I'll be 115. Unfortunately, picture day and registration is August 11, my goal by then is to be 120. That's realistic right?

I did make that Ska mix that day and I skanked for almost 45 minutes. It was great! Now my legs are sore and it's difficult to walk. Good thing I like the feeling of sore muscles. Yesterday, I didn't eat until I got home late at night because I was painting the room I'll be living in when I move hopefully next month. It kept me moving for 6 hours or so.

I'll like that house because my room is on the top floor. the stairs go behind a little half wall thing that separates the kitchen from the hallway that leads to a "powder room" the washer and dryer and the garage. If I go in and out through the garage door, I'll never have to go through the kitchen ever! My bedroom right now is in the basement of an old house. Our stairs go into a landing right next to the kitchen. The only way to avoid the kitchen is to go outside and around the entire house and in through the front door. -_- laame.

Well, so far today has been a good day, and I hope to have a complete good week. Smile and make your week grand too! Much love, - Willow

Hello dearies

Today has been strangely good. My sister called and woke me up to go out to breakfast. There, I had a huge meal and blew up my 500 calorie limit for today (it's day two of abc) but I've been drinking water like a dehydrated camel so my mood is lifted. I also cleaned my room and did all of my laundry so my stress levels are very mellow, despite over-eating.

I found a new site called winter girls that's a lot like the Ana Academy only better. Classes start on Sunday, so I joined. my application hasn't been accepted yet, but I'll still follow the programs even if I'm not.

I think I'll make a mixed CD of ska music so I can skank. that's probably my favorite exercise next to rollerblading. Those two are the only ones I can break a sweat with and not die via asthma attack.

Have a good day! ^-^

one month later...

It's been too long, and I'm sorry for that. (I actually have followers now, thanks guys. <3)

Over the past month I've been somewhere between eating normally and binging every day. I've been purging more often than usual as well. Honestly, I'm sick of it. I want to be thin. I want to be pretty,and at the moment, I'm frumpy and fat.

I have about a month before school starts again, and although I'm sort of looking forward to it, I feel like my summer has flown by too fast and I've wasted too much of it by just sitting around on the computer 24 hours a day. I haven't really done anything. I did go to one party, on the fourth of july.

My sister and her roommate (Andrew. He's gay, and they've been friends since they were in middle school so I know him pretty well. I guess you could call us friends...on some strange level) came and picked me up on the fourth and we went to her most recent boytoy's party. Boytoy and Andrew work for the same bank, so it was a bunch of their friends from work. I didn't eat that day, of all days, and drank waaay too much. I ended up passing out during the fire works. i don't remember them at all. I do remember people trying to get me up, and me vomiting all over my arm. that was pleasant. I spent the night at their apartment and I don't know how long i was in the shower, but it was long enough for the water to go cold. How that's possible in an apartment building, I couldn't tell you. I threw up the next day when I tried to eat crackers. Mostly bile but my stomach still didn't want to deal with food or anything. I was nauseous until three days later. That sucked.

At the moment, I am the highest weight I've ever been. (Well, i was a few days ago, anyway.) I actually got up to 138 once. I was wearing clothes but even without them, I'd still be over 135. At the moment, I am 132. I want to be hot when I go back to school. To me, hot means under 115. I think I can get at least down to 115 by August 19. I'm starting ABC again today, hopefully this time, I'll make it.