So as far as that new leaf in school goes, I think autumn is coming soon.... That's too bad. But maybe not; after I finish this entry, I'm going to go study for my history exam. I should be studying for math too, but I have a feeling I should have started studying for that a few years ago.
So over the weekend, I pigged out again. I'm back up to 125 *gag* and I'm extremely mad at myself. So, instead of letting myself stick with the original calorie plan for this week (1400) I'm going to cut it down to half. 700 max. I only had 144 yesterday. (Two apples) unless the black tea I had has calories. I'm fairly sure it doesn't.
I got my braces off. It's really nice. Brushing my teeth never felt so good.
I'm seeing a therapist to stop cutting and to deal with a lot of other problems I have. Today, she asked me what I was filling that spot with, because I told her that to stop cutting is to let (a self destructive) part of myself die. I told her that I didn't know. On the contrary, I do know. I know that ana is coming up to take that place. (This is how my friend started smoking. So that she wouldn't cut, and she wouldn't feel like she shouldn't eat, or to throw up.) It's really hard to open up to a therapist and then shut her out again when she reaches right that spot where ana hides. She wants to talk about it again when I go back because we ran out of time today. I don't know what to tell her.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
750 - New Beginnings.
Yay for me. Even though my restriction rules for this week were 1500, I kept my calorie intake today to under 800 calories. I pulled this day of the week to keep it lower than my max.
Weight training was exciting. Painful maybe, but exciting. I'm almost positive I have asthma. We didn't do ab work today, but we ran. Thank god it was only one lap today. Running makes breathing extremely painful. Until the end of the class period, every time I took a breath, there were sharp pains in my chest. Fun, fun, fun. So now my legs hurt, because I don't run distances very often, and my pecs hurt from lifting. I managed to bench 20 lb. dumbbells today. ^-^
I've turned a new leaf in school. Over the last semester, I haven't been able to concentrate, I've had no motivation to go to school, I've had no motivation to do any of the work, I got relatively bad grades at semester. (C, C, C, A, A, B, B, A) This semester, even after the really shitty last week, I feel pretty happy. Maybe it's not even this semester. Maybe it's just this week that have made things look a little bit farther up. I did my biology homework tonight. I sat down and plowed through it all in about an hour. I'm proud of myself. It's only worth about five or ten points, but just the feeling that I got it done was worth every ounce of effort I put into it. I think the more effort I put into things, the happier I'll be. I hope I keep that mentality up.
I'm in therapy. I've been seeing my therapist since late November I think. She knows I cut, and I haven't cut in a very long time. We're working on that, especially. We're also working on my living situation at home. My father and I have had two "family therapy" sessions. The first one was hell. Today, we had another one that wasn't so bad. She wanted to keep it light so that it wasn't as bad as last week. There were chocolates in a little bowl by the door. I took two on the way out. Each one as forty two calories. I haven't eaten either of them. I'm proud of myself. I wonder how long I can last out with them taunting me.
My therapist doesn't know about my ED. She has absolutely no idea. Part of me wants to tell her, another part of me is excited that I still have a little secret.
Okay well I need to get to sleep here pretty soon. I took a four hour nap this afternoon but I'll still need a few more Z's before I get up to start a brand new day.
Weight training was exciting. Painful maybe, but exciting. I'm almost positive I have asthma. We didn't do ab work today, but we ran. Thank god it was only one lap today. Running makes breathing extremely painful. Until the end of the class period, every time I took a breath, there were sharp pains in my chest. Fun, fun, fun. So now my legs hurt, because I don't run distances very often, and my pecs hurt from lifting. I managed to bench 20 lb. dumbbells today. ^-^
I've turned a new leaf in school. Over the last semester, I haven't been able to concentrate, I've had no motivation to go to school, I've had no motivation to do any of the work, I got relatively bad grades at semester. (C, C, C, A, A, B, B, A) This semester, even after the really shitty last week, I feel pretty happy. Maybe it's not even this semester. Maybe it's just this week that have made things look a little bit farther up. I did my biology homework tonight. I sat down and plowed through it all in about an hour. I'm proud of myself. It's only worth about five or ten points, but just the feeling that I got it done was worth every ounce of effort I put into it. I think the more effort I put into things, the happier I'll be. I hope I keep that mentality up.
I'm in therapy. I've been seeing my therapist since late November I think. She knows I cut, and I haven't cut in a very long time. We're working on that, especially. We're also working on my living situation at home. My father and I have had two "family therapy" sessions. The first one was hell. Today, we had another one that wasn't so bad. She wanted to keep it light so that it wasn't as bad as last week. There were chocolates in a little bowl by the door. I took two on the way out. Each one as forty two calories. I haven't eaten either of them. I'm proud of myself. I wonder how long I can last out with them taunting me.
My therapist doesn't know about my ED. She has absolutely no idea. Part of me wants to tell her, another part of me is excited that I still have a little secret.
Okay well I need to get to sleep here pretty soon. I took a four hour nap this afternoon but I'll still need a few more Z's before I get up to start a brand new day.
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