Things are looking up...or maybe horizontal.

Whatever the case is, it's an improvement from looking down.

It is the end of the month. The end of a terrible era as far as food is concerned.

The past two or three days I've been more conscious about what I'm eating, and I have become more realistic about my goals. I can't jump into this as easily as I had hoped. My mentality has transitioned from "you can't eat anything" to "you have to eat less and less until the time comes when you can tough it up and get through eating nothing."

Today, I kind of binged on granola bars, in a way. They're the kind that are temporarily addicting so you eat a ton in one sitting and then don't eat them for a long time. I had five little packages, so that's ten granola bars. Each package is 180 calories. Therefore, I've had nine hundred calories. It's already three PM so I think that's fairly okay. I've restricted to about 1500 for this week. I was thinking only 1000 at first but then I decided to take it very slow so that I feel good about reaching my goals so that when it's time, 300 calories a day will seem attainable.

At the moment, I weigh about 123 pounds. All month, I've been at about 130 or so, so yay for improvement. When I first made a goal chart to keep track of my progress, I had scheduled myself to be at about 115 today so I'll have to make a new one. I had charted things so I'd be at 100 pounds by spring break but now I'm thinking that it would be okay to be there by summer.

My boyfriend and I are on good terms. We're still okay friends except when I snap at him. But he's been making a little more of an effort to be less of an asshole. (He gets pretty dumb around his two best friends whom I tend to call "Bevis and Butthead" when nobody's listening.) But I'm healing and my mood has been a little better. It helps that I'm 100% off the pill now so I'm not getting mood swings when I miss one.

I've been going to school for the most part. Lately I've been pretty bad about finding excuses not to go. But I did go to a pretty strenuous weight lifting class on thursday. We did a really cool abs work out. When our teacher explained it to us, it seemed easy, but by our second set, we were already groaning. They were like bicycle crunches on slow mo. You put an elbow to the opposite knee for a 32 count, then switched, then did another 32 count, all the while lifting the other leg off the ground (32X2). Then you did 16 count, switch, 16, switch 16, switch, 16, rest(16X4). Continue with 8X8, 4X16, 2X32, 1X64. Then my friends and I really pushed ourselves with powercleans and squats. I'm still sore.

Tonight is our school's Sadie Hawkins dance. A few friends and I are skipping it to go bowling. That should be fun. ^-^ Especially because I have a crush on one of the girls that is going. (Oh yeah, surprise! I'm bisexual) Too bad she's straight. Oh well.

So I'm going to go make a new goal chart and some more thinspo pages. Much love! -Willow

P.S. sorry the last few posts have been so long.

Bad

I've been so bad recently. My boyfriend and I broke up so I've been depressed all month. As a result, I've been eating entirely too much. I haven't been logging my calories because I've been afraid of the result. Besides, I consumed too many to keep track of. Also, I've been sick. On top of pigging out, I've been too exhausted to move much, therefore, no exercise.
I started recording calories again today.
On an up note, I'm getting over whatever virus I have, and I've started going back to school. (According to my biology teacher, it takes exactly two weeks for your body to combat a virus.)
School means walking at least a mile every day with a backpack full of books half the time. School also means weightlifting, which loosely translates to some running, body "dexterity" exercises (dots, ladders -I don't know if those are unique to our school or not), and of course, lifting.
School includes tech. I run around a lot during tech because we have to jog up and down our steep staircase (which I usually do two at a time, both ways.) We have to run the rough 100 feet from the booth to the stage a few times, plus whatever distance we need to go to do what we need to do. It's wonderful exercise. I wish we had it every day.
We (tech) have a workshop to go to tomorrow. Apparently, it's hands on, and has a lot to do with intel lights. Intel is short for intelligent. They spin and tilt in different directions, they have multiple colors (how many depends on how expensive it is), and various gobos (a design cut out of a material-usually metal- to go in front of the light, to make it different shapes). Basically, they're a lighting designer's favorite toy.
I'll be up at about eight so I can be to my school at nine. Yay for Saturday school! We'll leave once everyone is there and drive for an hour. Once we're there we won't be doing a lot of running around or other exercise, but I do expect to stand around a little bit.
We'll get back to school around two or three, and probably go out to eat before we start on Operation Golden Canary. That's code name for fucking with the architecture of the school, ignoring most regulations, and busting down half the wall to one of our spotlight coves so we have more room in the booth. That should be fun. And tedious. The people I'm working with are not going to be fun. Tech's are like family, and there are some members of your family that you can't fucking stand. I get to work with most of those people. Hopefully, one or two of the techs I love and could stand forever will show up and save my sanity even though they're not supposed to work.
I'm not too worried about eating between the workshop and OGC. We'll probably go to subway or to our local market which is mostly organic. What I'm worried about is the food at the workshop. I've been to their workshops before. They feed you a hearty meal of donuts, coffee, and soda. Candy sometimes too. I'm also worried about actually being at OGC. As techies, we're all addicted to mountain dew, or have been at some point in time. There will be dew there. I wasn't allowed to drink it (or any caffeine) for a very long time because I was on a bet to not be able to give it up. But I can drink it again, and lately I've been drinking quite a bit of it. So many calories...
Oh well, I'll try to refrain from junk food.

Yay new fast and New thinspo!

I’ve been pigging out all day today (14th), all day yesterday(13th), and all day the day before(12th). I’ve been eating non-stop. Binging. I wish I could purge in some other way than throwing up. I hate, hate, hate vomiting. So I can’t purge. I have to keep it all inside me, filling up my fat cells. Sugar, helping cellulite cling to my ass and thighs. So ugly.

I was just going to fast for the one day after I binged, but I broke again yesterday and then again today. So instead, I will fast for three days. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I will go without food. Friday, my friend and I are going to the Rec. Center to work out (it's an all-out recreation center. It has a pool, steam room, sauna, basketball/volleyball courts, climbing wall, and a gym. Our city kind of sucks so everything is a little small but it all works.). I might have some celery that day so I don’t pass out. Saturday, I will eat absolutely nothing. Sunday, I will have some fruit at midnight, or if I go to bed earlier, just before I go to bed. I’ll have some celery or other vegetable at eight or so, or whenever I wake up. At noon, I’ll eat a soy yogurt. At three, I’ll eat something else with substance because the same friend and I are going to drink that night. I’ll try not to eat anything while I’m drunk, because if I do my body will store it as fat but I can’t promise anything because obviously, I’ll be drunk. Monday, I’ll try to eat nothing but if I do, it’ll be vegetables or yogurt.

I must be strong. I have to do this, for myself. You must not break. I’ll repeat. YOU. MUST. NOT. BREAK. You must keep control. You can’t give up just because your tummy gets a little whiny. Don’t be a slave to food.

Today, I made my first thinspiration page. I did that instead of going to bed. It was Keira Knightly in her famous flat-stomach showing white, half tube-top shirt and sexy low-cut jeans. My friends always said I look like her. They haven’t said it in a while. Maybe it’s because I’ve gained weight and she’s lost it and we no-longer look alike. I'll try to scan it and put it up here later this week so you can all see my amazing generic and lame art work!

Fucking Oreos.

I've decided that Oreos are my new symbol for pure evil. Once I start eating those I don't stop eating. I eat and eat and eat until all I want to do is throw up but I can't. I can't throw up because I can only throw up when I've had waaaay too much to drink and I don't have the right kind of access to alcohol in order to do that every time I binge.

I've binged everyday for the past three days. I feel like crap. I'm sick, plus I'm bloated from all the crap I've been eating. Oh, and apparently I'm lactose intolerant. I only drink milk when I have cookies so I didn't know.

I'm never going to get anywhere in life if I can't control this. If I can't reach my goal weight, how am I supposed to be able to reach any kind of goal?

I wrote this yesterday

I am weak. I am sad and the Oreos upstairs offer a chocolate haven from emotions. I want to feel the bitter taste of cocoa melt on my tongue, giving up to the softening ways of milk. I want to sift through the chocolatey mess to find that sweet, sugary inside. I want those fucking Oreos. I can't. Only three is a serving of 160 calories. I'm to fat to eat, consume, that much crap. I know I can't eat just three.

I can feel the control. Now, as I take another sip of water, I can feel the control. As each minute passes, i can feel it slipping through my fingers like sand, marking the amount of time I have before I break.

If I eat those Oreos, I will not be able to reach my goals. I will be a falure. If I can't keep myself from eating sugary crap, how will I ever be able to make myself loose those ugly, disfiguring pounds of flesh, of fat? How will I be able to make myself earn good grades in school? How will I be able to get to college, Emerson, if I can't reach the simplest, smallest goals of self control.

I am not a failure. I refuse to loose control. I am strong. I will reach my goals.

Fail

The fast only lasted about twenty four hours. I went on a huge, disgusting binge later that night. I was really disappointed in myself, but I plan on trying again during the summer. I know that's a long ways away but I have school and I have to be sane for that.

I haven't eaten much today. The bitch living in my house (my father's girlfriend) keeps trying to feed me shit and I'm not even hungry. I'm never hungry when I'm angry, tired, depressed, and sore.

The other day, I binged on chocolate. There were so many calories in that bar....I was so disappointed in myself. I also had a Chipotle burrito on thursday. I would have been very, very angry with myself if it weren't for the fact that I went to a concert that night and probably burned most of it off. Ever heard of Reel Big Fish?

That night, my boyfriend and I decided to go on a break. it was our five month anniversary and he was afraid we're getting too serious for our age. I don't blame him but I'm still a little sad about it.

I made an ana journal about a week ago. I haven't been writing in it the past few days because i've been so busy, but i miss it. i like to know exactly how many calories i've eaten.

Ten days late, my new year's resolution: weigh 100 pounds by spring break.