Fucking Cake

Damn it Damn it Damn it!

Once again, I failed.

I made it a day and a half. I didn't have anything to eat for at least 36 hours. I was feeling weak. Very, very weak. I was craving peanut butter. In hindsight, it seems like it might have been the better choice. I decided that it would be better to allow myself to break the fast healthily as opposed to getting weaker and weaker until I binge.

I let myself cut up a banana and a couple strawberries and put them in a bowl. I ate those, but I wasn't satisfied. I looked in the fridge and staring back at me were those damn things of chocolate cake. There were noodles and eggs and biscuits and tortillas and they all wanted me. I reached for the deli veggies and ate half the container. They were in some kind of oil dressing but for the most part, the dressing had sunk to the bottom and I was able to avoid it. I still wanted more. I lost control. I hate both pieces of chocolate cake. CAKE. after a fast. Sooo healthy. >.<

And I had lost 6 pounds! SIX! I'm aware that I would have gained some weight back after I finished the fast but at this rate, I'm just going to go back to where I started. FUUCK.

Tired and feeling sick

Due to lack of motivation, which is a bullshit reason, I haven't done my Biology homework. I also haven't done my Spanish homework, or written or practiced the "in my opinion" speech I'm supposed to give in English tomorrow. I've completely ignored the fact that I have any history homework, and I have an entire chapter of Math to do.
Any normal person would be overwhelmed. I think I'm past the ability to be overwhelmed. Maybe it's shock, maybe it's an inability to give a shit. Either way, I'm numb. It's all just useless fact, that while it has everything to do with me, my current state of being, my near future, and my distant future, it simply doesn't apply. Like seeing the stars through a pane of glass. They're all so wondrous, but they're distant and separate. They don't apply to the world inside your room.

I didn't go to school yesterday. I didn't go to school today. I'm hoping my father will let me bullshit my way through yet another day.

I've consumed less than 50 calories today. I've had 3 strawberries, a slice of tomato, 5 servings of green tea, an Acai berry pill, and a Bromalite pill. In a weird twist of fate, I'm now about 125 lbs. Kind of ridiculous.
I'm craving fruit and vegetables. I want the food. I'm also craving chocolate, but I think that's just because I'm PMSing. >.<

I told my friend about the fast. She'd like to do the same as me, but her dad is a chef. She supposes her mom will back her in a 3 day juice fast, but probably not in a green tea/water fast.

I don't know if it's the caffeine or the green tea magic trying to make my body repair the damages done by purging but my throat is raw. Maybe that will serve as an excuse not to attend yet another day of classes.

I'm feeling weak. In body, mind, and spirit. My body is exhausted from running on empty all day. My mind is set on pause because the rest of my brain is trying to figure out what the hell to do with all this random ass stimulus. My spirit is discouraged. Despite the fact that I'm loosing, it all seems to be in vain. What's the point? Why not seize the day and eat that little square of chocolate cake sitting upstairs on the counter, wrapped in cellophane?
Why? Because I know that if I do indulge, I'm never going to find any willpower. If I don't do this now, I'll never be able to. And for that, I will go from disliking myself, to loathing myself.

I need someone to tell me to keep going. Someone to tell me there is reason to this rambling rhyme. Will I ever find a purpose?

- Willow.

Frog and a Fast

Yay tickers!


I like my frog. Do you like my frog?

So! After plenty of binging and purging I'm taking the optimistic, hardworking route and doing a fast. I would say I'm punishing myself with a fast, but I don't want to think of it that way. Punishing myself sounds like I don't want to do it, when I do. Instead, I'm going to say that I'm celebrating the beginning of a new era by doing a fast.

I don't want to do a long fast, as I don't want to set myself up to fail. I'm thinking I'd like to accomplish a three day fast, including today. Drinking nothing but green tea and water, and eating strawberries. My daily calorie intake will stay below 100. I'll break the fast on Saturday by eating a banana or something, and have a soy yogurt and/or some cereal with soy milk later. We can get to that later. Right now I'm just excited about this fast. Wish me luck!

FML

If you haven't heard of FML.com yet, go check it out. google is your friend. I'm not dealing with links right now. fuck that.

So over the past few days i have been binging and purging and binging and purging and...etc. etc. It's kind of gross. I purged twice today. I never purge twice. The first one was kinda weak. Got some food out but I think most of the Ramen I ate decided to stick around for digestion. Fuck. The second one was amazing. I got every last bit of noodle whatever it was up and out. I've decided that eating red foods before purging is bad. You can't tell if you're coughing up blood or not. I'm sure that if I ever see blood in my vomit, I'll know for sure that it is truly blood. Still, every time I see some pink, I get a little uneasy.

and we're done with the gross stuff.

So with all this disgusting behavior, I'm back up to at least 130. Fuuuck. I have 4 weeks before summer and I don't want to start the summer fat. I want to confidently pack up the graduation speakers and crap in a bikini top and shorts. In order to be semi confident, I want to be 110. So I have four and a half weeks to loose 20 pounds. That's 5 pounds a week! Yikes! Wish me luck!

Gross. >.<

So I've gotten pretty good at ignoring the fact that I'm fucked when it comes to school. And I'm pretty good at bullshitting teachers so they've gotten pretty good at ignoring it too.

I've realized I go through phases of ana, mia, and over eating. I'll starve myself for a few days, or eat like a rabbit when I do eat. Then I'll binge, feel shitty about it, then purge. That usually lasts about a school week. At the end of that school week, I'll stop purging because I stop eating so much or I'll eat a combination of food that is absolutely disgusting to come back up. (like ramen and chocolate ice cream. ick.) Then I'll just eat more. Then I gain a little weight and feel gross, so I stop eating again.

The result is that my weight goes from 125 to 128 to 130 and back down again each week. I think it's fucking up my heart, simply because it doesn't know how hard to work.

I've convinced my friend (who has just about the same bmi, she's a little lighter than I am but she's a lot shorter) to go to the gym with me tomorrow at noon. I plan on working very, very hard.
As for tonight, I plan on going to our school play, put on by the advanced drama class. They suck, but okay. I'm only going because my friend is one of the student directors (she's a great director, just doesn't like acting and her actors are lame.) and because i have to be there later for strike anyway.

Starting tomorrow, i'm going to try going a week on a 500 cal diet. Yay for goals. even though i suck at keeping them.
p.s. sorry for this really long, long post.
OH! and did you notice that Freewebs froze Ana Academy!?! What the hell is that?

and the failure creeps back in

I binged and purged again today. I had 3 (THREE!!! O_O) cans of mountain dew. gross eh? Those, I drank while I was working so I couldn't just hop up from the light board and vomit.
Tomorrow, they're going to order pizza for the crew. I'm going to try to avoid it at all costs. It shouldn't be too hard, as they all believe I'm lactose intolerant. I am, kinda.

I didn't do the Spanish project like I said I would. I suck so much at this. I won't be able to tomorrow either because I'll be at work pretty much from noon to nine. Sunday isn't too much of a good idea either because again, i have to be there at noon. We pack up that day so we'll be there until all of the lights and cables are taken down, inventoried, and by the door to be shipped off on monday. We also have to rehang our curtains... those are always a bitch.
I also have to read the first three (maybe four) acts of Othello by Monday as well. I also need to catch up on math, and learn a semester's worth of crap for history for a huge essay test we were supposed to have on the day we had a snow day.

basically, I'm just fucked.

Fuck Fuck Fuck

So, I fucked up.

At the rehearsal today, my friend brought a 12 pack of Dew...which, out of habit, I went for. Our Stage manager had these chips too. I meant to only have one, but they were damn good (they were organic and all delicious like all of those organic foods are) so I had about a serving (which is about 1/5 of the bag, which is 170 calories. Still, after the Dew, I wanted to go purge it. I should have. But I am light board operator and it is very difficult to sneak away from that job during a paid gig, especially when the stage manager doesn't want to take breaks because he wants to go home before nine pm.

When I got home, I felt gross already. I figured that maybe, maybe if I binged and purged, I'd feel better about it. So I binged on marshmallows and poptarts and some other crap and I managed to get most of that back up. I should have quit there, but I made the mistake of making mac and cheese. I ate the entire box. that's 1200 and some calories. that shit is really, really hard to purge. I got some of it up...maybe 100 calories worth... god I feel disgusting.

So not only did I break the no soda rule of the course, I broke the calorie rules of both the course as well as the boot camp.
And I feel disgusting.

I'll try again tomorrow, and I'll exercise harder.
another goal: doing that damn Spanish thing I should have done two weeks ago. I need to sit down and effing do that....

Ana Boot Camp at the Academy

I'm starting Course 1 of the Ana Academy tomorrow. I'm also going to try to do the Ana Bootcamp because it's 50 days long. The last day of school is in 52 days. According to Losertown if I eat 250 cals a day (the average for Ana Boot Camp) I will reach my goal weight of 105 by then.

My Current Stats:
ED: Ana/Mia
CW: 128
H: 5'4" (64 inches)
BMI: 22
GW1: 125 (by 4/8)
GW2: 120 (by 4/20) :)
GW3: 115 (by 4/29)
GW4: 110 (by 5/10)
END GW: 105 (by 5/23 - Graduation)

Ana Academy Courses:
www.freewebs.com/headmistressaki/WEBPROTECT-courses.htm
Ana Boot Camp:
anabootcamp.page.tl/Home.htm?PHPSESSID=5b42e4c2b83aa8a09dc42e3608fb79e0
Losertown Calculator:
www.losertown.org/eats/cal.php

Wish me luck!