Fall and Lying

So as far as that new leaf in school goes, I think autumn is coming soon.... That's too bad. But maybe not; after I finish this entry, I'm going to go study for my history exam. I should be studying for math too, but I have a feeling I should have started studying for that a few years ago.

So over the weekend, I pigged out again. I'm back up to 125 *gag* and I'm extremely mad at myself. So, instead of letting myself stick with the original calorie plan for this week (1400) I'm going to cut it down to half. 700 max. I only had 144 yesterday. (Two apples) unless the black tea I had has calories. I'm fairly sure it doesn't.

I got my braces off. It's really nice. Brushing my teeth never felt so good.

I'm seeing a therapist to stop cutting and to deal with a lot of other problems I have. Today, she asked me what I was filling that spot with, because I told her that to stop cutting is to let (a self destructive) part of myself die. I told her that I didn't know. On the contrary, I do know. I know that ana is coming up to take that place. (This is how my friend started smoking. So that she wouldn't cut, and she wouldn't feel like she shouldn't eat, or to throw up.) It's really hard to open up to a therapist and then shut her out again when she reaches right that spot where ana hides. She wants to talk about it again when I go back because we ran out of time today. I don't know what to tell her.