Oh Gawd

I've finally, finally slipped under 120. i'm 119.8. this is fantastic. You would think i would be jumping around for joy. I'm not. I just keep thinking about what It'll be like at 110. 108. 100. 99. At 99 lbs, My BMI will be 17.0. 108, I'll be 18.0. I can't wait. This has taken much, much too long.

Smoking is helping curb my appetite so much. I love it.

I asked a girl to the Sadie Hawkins. She's obnoxious as hell but she's kind of adorable, in her own little annoying way.

Have a good day everybody (if anyone actually reads this)
~Willow

Just a quick update

Mid-december, i tried to kill myself. I got landed in a mental hospital for a week. They made us eat five times a day (3 meals, 2 snacks) so my metabolism got blown through the roof. when i went in, i weighed 128. when i got out, i weighed 126. Now, a month later, i weigh 121.4. WhoopWhoop. It's fantastic.

I've started smoking. It's hell. I hate it. but i love it soo, soo much. It's helping a lot with appetite, while it's ruining my already bad lungs. *sigh* like i need another addiction. *facepalm*

well, have a good day,
hope all is well in normal-land

~Willow

check it out

My frog is creeping down...
I am 127 lbs as of ten minutes ago. It's one tiny pound away from my goal weight 1.

I'm proud of myself, except for the fact that I can't seem to stop purging. I've purged practically every night for the past two weeks. Today (well, i guess yesterday) i had 1 grapefruit, a bunch of vitamins, and a diet mountain dew. 100 calories. Wonderful. but then, i stared watching tv online. I got anxious. I started munching on some candy that I left on my window sill.
I ate two mini boxes of nerds, 4 starburst, and 2 packets of pez candies (those things are a lot more disgusting than I remember them). then i went down stairs and grabbed 4 ice cream sandwiches. What compelled me to do that is beyond me.
I ate it all, considered not purging, pressed play on the show i was watching, paused, asked, "who the hell am i kidding?" and then went to purge.
Wonderful night.

I got a new bed, a new desk, a desk chair, and a bookshelf. My father got pissed that i didn't express my gratitude (probably because I would rather sleep on the floor on my pillows as i have been for the past 2 years) to his pigwhore of a girlfriend for spending what was apparently 1100 dollars. I don't know why he thinks this new house will make all of our family problems just disappear. I still hate him.

anyway, i'm off to sleep now, even if it is 7 in the morning.
Loves,
~Willow

Whoop Whoop!

Today went super well. Yesterday was crap, I binged and purged. Twice.
Today, I super restricted and lost 1.6 lbs.
I had half an apple for breakfast (40)
I finished it at lunch (40)
I'll have some baby carrots and mustard for dinner (35 ish?)
Total: 115.
I'd say that's a good day.

I made index cards with my goal weights, rules specific to that goal, and rewards for when I get to it. (Ex: Goal Weight 1: 126 lbs. I can't watch Stargate until I get there. When I do, I get a Saturday of a Stargate Marathon) They're very encouraging.

Well, this morning, i weighed 130.0
Right now: i weigh 128.4.
2.4 lbs away from GW 1

Wish me luck!

Love,
~Willow

I feel disgusted

A lot of things happened today.
My father woke me up early to work on moving, but i went back to sleep. The next time he woke me up, it was because the dog was dying.
So he would have been a douchebag today, but he was in a nice mood because the dog died. So, on my snow day, i got to go sledding with my (twenty two year old) sister. Yay exercise.
but....

I had:
Chipotle burrito: 710 cals
Mountain Dew: 290 cals
8 mini kitkat bars: 70 cals each: 560
8 mini butterfingers: 680 (actually there were more candy bars. These cals are just for the rappers i can find)

Total: 2240 calories.
FUCK

I think i'm going to purge here in a few minutes.

in other news:
i'm back up to 131.6.
I've been cutting like a surgeon. my arm looks like it's been through blenders on three different occasions.
and, as a Stage Manager for the fall musical, my stress levels have been through the roof.

My schedules for the next week and a half:
Friday: school 7 - 2:30 rehearsal 3 - 7
Saturday: rehearsal 10 - 2
sunday: rehearsal 10 - 2
Monday: school rehearsal 3 - 6 dinner 6 - 7 rehearsal 7-10
Tuesday: " "
Wednesday: school theatre is dark.
thursday: school opening night, call at 6
Friday: school show call at 6.
satruday: call at 6
sunday: show, call at 1. show lasts until... idk 4 ish. strike until 8 or 9 or 10. then cast party.

each night, the cast and crew go to either red robin or old chicago (the only restaraunts open after 8 or 9 in my "city") for dinner and bonding. I'm not looking forward to that.

i'm not looking forward to the dinner between rehearsals on our hellish long days.

I'm no looking forward to being fat fat fat fat fat in front of the guys that I hung out with my freshman year who will be coming back to watch the show.

I'm not looking forward to life.

i should be. this is my favorite time of the year. and it's ruined by me tip toeing around eating and binging and purging.
It's ruined by my father being a jerk.
it's ruined by my insanity.
it's ruined by the stress of this damned show (we have a lot of sets and not enough competant techies to move them at the right times.)

I. Hate. Winter.
I. Hate. My father.
I. Hate. School.
I. Hate. People.
I. Hate. Food.
I. Hate. Me.

Lousy

I feel pretty lousy. I've gained, I guess you could say. I haven't lost much in the first place. Either way, I suck.
I've been binging pretty much non-stop since Wednesday, when my dad pitched a fairly big fit about me not going to class. I spent an hour and a half in my school councilor's office sobbing while my father went on about everything that's wrong about me.
I've been cutting a lot lately. It's very strange to be back to that old habit. I love it, honestly. I've been cutting on my arms. It's not just one or two cuts here and there. No, it's a full on ravaging of my flesh. Last night I cut about 15 times in a two inch square area, plus a few on my hands. It's strange because I never used to cut on my arms. If I did, it was very little and not very deep. I used to cut on my legs because no one would see them. I was ashamed before. I'm still ashamed, in a way, but I don't really care what people think of me anymore. Honestly, if someone notices my arm, I'm grateful for the attention. So far, not many people have pointed it out. I wonder if they even care.

I'm afraid to weigh myself. I've been weighing with clothes on because that way I can convince myself it's just the clothes that are adding that extra six pounds, not the crappy food in my stomach.

Yeah, I'm pretty much hating myself at the moment.

Fast and new Music

I started a new fast today. It was kind of on accident. I had 4 tic-tacs, so say, 10 calories.

I'm gonna keep it going for as fast as I possibly can. Yesterday, I weighed 131.6. Right now, I weigh 128.6. I know it's all water weight but I can't help but be a little happy for myself.

So, somehow it took a year for me to discover Maria Mena since her last album came out. She's a really good singer with a beautiful voice, and she has a lot of songs dealing with her eating disorder. Check her out.