I got weirdly depressed today. It was extremely strange. I lost a pound or two, and I had only eaten 70 calories. But I was in a very down mood. So I finally gave up and ended up eating 5 (yes, five) pieces of toast. Each one had peanut butter and honey, and two of them had banana on it.
Toast: 100x5 = 500
PB: 200x5 = 500
Honey: 60x5 = 300
Banana: 100x1= 100
Total: 1900
In about 15 minutes. That's a real binge, in the clinical, medical sense of the word.
So of course, I spent the following hour purging that. >.< Fail.
The toast and Peanut Butter definitely made the unsafe food list I made just before I cleaned my room.
This purge session put me into a very productive mood, the one I was dying to have all day. I drew a picture, titled "Bulimia." it's quite colorful. Then i talked to my Ana buddy for a while. (Oh yes, I made a friend! Yay!) Then I made a safe/unsafe food list, that I expect to grow soon. Then I did a load of laundry while i was cleaning my room. I even offered some support on live journal, where there seems to be a glaring lack thereof, before posting here!
Before i go to bed (it's almost 5 AM, i should get around to that soon) I'm going to make a plan for business/exercise/diet for tomorrow. I think I'm just going to go ahead and jump into the ABC diet. It'll give me good, attainable goals.
Hope your day goes well! Take care.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Fast, 1,2,3,4, ABC.
This weekend has been terrible. Not okay, not bad, but hell on a stick horrible. Today was worse.
I binged about a million times and for some reason, can't find it in me to purge. I'd rather not be purging at all, honestly. Instead, I'm going to try to restrict.
I'm also going to try not to weigh myself until Saturday. Partly, because I don't need to be discouraged if I gain a pound because that is part of what has been setting off binges. Another part of this is because even my father has admitted that our scale isn't entirely accurate. It's one of the old ones with the spinning dial.
Here are my stats:
5'4", BMI: 22.0
HW: 133
CW: 128
UGW: 108.
GW1: 120
GW2: 115
I might not be quite there by Saturday, but I want to hit by first goal by then. To do that, I'm going to fast tomorrow, just to collect my thoughts, and get my head on straight, then I'm going to do a 1,2,3,4 diet. Which is not unlike the 2,4,6,8, only less calories. After one cycle of 1,2,3,4, i'll start ABC.
I binged about a million times and for some reason, can't find it in me to purge. I'd rather not be purging at all, honestly. Instead, I'm going to try to restrict.
I'm also going to try not to weigh myself until Saturday. Partly, because I don't need to be discouraged if I gain a pound because that is part of what has been setting off binges. Another part of this is because even my father has admitted that our scale isn't entirely accurate. It's one of the old ones with the spinning dial.
Here are my stats:
5'4", BMI: 22.0
HW: 133
CW: 128
UGW: 108.
GW1: 120
GW2: 115
I might not be quite there by Saturday, but I want to hit by first goal by then. To do that, I'm going to fast tomorrow, just to collect my thoughts, and get my head on straight, then I'm going to do a 1,2,3,4 diet. Which is not unlike the 2,4,6,8, only less calories. After one cycle of 1,2,3,4, i'll start ABC.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Very Proud
I'm extremely proud of myself. I posted this elsewhere on the interwebs last night, but it needs to be posted here, because I am just that damn proud of myself.
[start/]I beat a craving! I realize that, to most, curbing a craving is something they do on an hourly basis, but oh lovely ladies you are skilled, you just don't know it.
The two piggish adults in my house have a horrible habit of buying junk food all the time. I swear, I think they view it as a hobby. "What new crap food can we buy today?" Well, with that nasty habit, I have a nasty habit of actually eating that disgusting food. Today, the pig-whore (the ugly thing that seems to be my father's girlfriend.) brought home a huge bag full of assorted Hershey's Chocolate. I'd already given in to a chocolate craving today, and didn't need another 100 calories to weigh me down. I pulled one little bar out of the bag and stared at it for a second or two. Then I just dropped it back in the bag. Feeling proud of myself, I slowly walked back to the stairs to go down to my room when I had the idea to get a drink of water, just so that I could get into the habit of reaching for water instead of reaching for food. As I drank the water, I tried counting down from 100, and filled up the glass again and again until i reached zero. I managed to drink 5 do it. glasses of water instead of giving in.
I LOVE having control [\end]
I'm considering doing the Ana Boot Camp diet. Yesterday I had 300 calories, which is perfect to start off ABC, which allows 500 the first day, as well as the second day. I might have to take them up on that extra 200 calories I didn't eat yesterday, and add them on to today's 500 because I'm going to a concert tonight. No Doubt's reunion tour, with Paramour and The Sounds. It'll take a lot of energy out of me, and I'll need it.
I'm at a steady waterweight of 125 lbs. My goal is to be down to 122 by the end of the week. It might be a bit of a pipe dream but it's worth a shot.
[start/]I beat a craving! I realize that, to most, curbing a craving is something they do on an hourly basis, but oh lovely ladies you are skilled, you just don't know it.
The two piggish adults in my house have a horrible habit of buying junk food all the time. I swear, I think they view it as a hobby. "What new crap food can we buy today?" Well, with that nasty habit, I have a nasty habit of actually eating that disgusting food. Today, the pig-whore (the ugly thing that seems to be my father's girlfriend.) brought home a huge bag full of assorted Hershey's Chocolate. I'd already given in to a chocolate craving today, and didn't need another 100 calories to weigh me down. I pulled one little bar out of the bag and stared at it for a second or two. Then I just dropped it back in the bag. Feeling proud of myself, I slowly walked back to the stairs to go down to my room when I had the idea to get a drink of water, just so that I could get into the habit of reaching for water instead of reaching for food. As I drank the water, I tried counting down from 100, and filled up the glass again and again until i reached zero. I managed to drink 5 do it. glasses of water instead of giving in.
I LOVE having control [\end]
I'm considering doing the Ana Boot Camp diet. Yesterday I had 300 calories, which is perfect to start off ABC, which allows 500 the first day, as well as the second day. I might have to take them up on that extra 200 calories I didn't eat yesterday, and add them on to today's 500 because I'm going to a concert tonight. No Doubt's reunion tour, with Paramour and The Sounds. It'll take a lot of energy out of me, and I'll need it.
I'm at a steady waterweight of 125 lbs. My goal is to be down to 122 by the end of the week. It might be a bit of a pipe dream but it's worth a shot.
Monday, May 25, 2009
I'm sorry
for taking an entire month to post. It's been over a month, actually.
My best excuse is that it was the last month of school, I needed to focus on not failing.
I'm back up to 127 or so, which is amazing, considering I've spent most of the past month pigging out on just about everything in sight.
I have a little bit of a to do list for this summer. Regardless if you want to read it or not, here it is:
~Read Wicked again, all the way through this time.
~Read Son of a Witch,
~Read A Lion Amongst Men
~Read Of Mice and Men (this one is for school, summer reading assignment for AP language)
~Write a Novel - Finish the one that's already started.
~Lose 20 pounds
~Rollerblade at least three times a week this month, five times a week next month, and every day the last month. (except when it rains. Puddles + Bearings = rust = bad.)
~Draw a picture every day.
My best excuse is that it was the last month of school, I needed to focus on not failing.
I'm back up to 127 or so, which is amazing, considering I've spent most of the past month pigging out on just about everything in sight.
I have a little bit of a to do list for this summer. Regardless if you want to read it or not, here it is:
~Read Wicked again, all the way through this time.
~Read Son of a Witch,
~Read A Lion Amongst Men
~Read Of Mice and Men (this one is for school, summer reading assignment for AP language)
~Write a Novel - Finish the one that's already started.
~Lose 20 pounds
~Rollerblade at least three times a week this month, five times a week next month, and every day the last month. (except when it rains. Puddles + Bearings = rust = bad.)
~Draw a picture every day.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Fucking Cake
Damn it Damn it Damn it!
Once again, I failed.
I made it a day and a half. I didn't have anything to eat for at least 36 hours. I was feeling weak. Very, very weak. I was craving peanut butter. In hindsight, it seems like it might have been the better choice. I decided that it would be better to allow myself to break the fast healthily as opposed to getting weaker and weaker until I binge.
I let myself cut up a banana and a couple strawberries and put them in a bowl. I ate those, but I wasn't satisfied. I looked in the fridge and staring back at me were those damn things of chocolate cake. There were noodles and eggs and biscuits and tortillas and they all wanted me. I reached for the deli veggies and ate half the container. They were in some kind of oil dressing but for the most part, the dressing had sunk to the bottom and I was able to avoid it. I still wanted more. I lost control. I hate both pieces of chocolate cake. CAKE. after a fast. Sooo healthy. >.<
And I had lost 6 pounds! SIX! I'm aware that I would have gained some weight back after I finished the fast but at this rate, I'm just going to go back to where I started. FUUCK.
Once again, I failed.
I made it a day and a half. I didn't have anything to eat for at least 36 hours. I was feeling weak. Very, very weak. I was craving peanut butter. In hindsight, it seems like it might have been the better choice. I decided that it would be better to allow myself to break the fast healthily as opposed to getting weaker and weaker until I binge.
I let myself cut up a banana and a couple strawberries and put them in a bowl. I ate those, but I wasn't satisfied. I looked in the fridge and staring back at me were those damn things of chocolate cake. There were noodles and eggs and biscuits and tortillas and they all wanted me. I reached for the deli veggies and ate half the container. They were in some kind of oil dressing but for the most part, the dressing had sunk to the bottom and I was able to avoid it. I still wanted more. I lost control. I hate both pieces of chocolate cake. CAKE. after a fast. Sooo healthy. >.<
And I had lost 6 pounds! SIX! I'm aware that I would have gained some weight back after I finished the fast but at this rate, I'm just going to go back to where I started. FUUCK.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tired and feeling sick
Due to lack of motivation, which is a bullshit reason, I haven't done my Biology homework. I also haven't done my Spanish homework, or written or practiced the "in my opinion" speech I'm supposed to give in English tomorrow. I've completely ignored the fact that I have any history homework, and I have an entire chapter of Math to do.
Any normal person would be overwhelmed. I think I'm past the ability to be overwhelmed. Maybe it's shock, maybe it's an inability to give a shit. Either way, I'm numb. It's all just useless fact, that while it has everything to do with me, my current state of being, my near future, and my distant future, it simply doesn't apply. Like seeing the stars through a pane of glass. They're all so wondrous, but they're distant and separate. They don't apply to the world inside your room.
I didn't go to school yesterday. I didn't go to school today. I'm hoping my father will let me bullshit my way through yet another day.
I've consumed less than 50 calories today. I've had 3 strawberries, a slice of tomato, 5 servings of green tea, an Acai berry pill, and a Bromalite pill. In a weird twist of fate, I'm now about 125 lbs. Kind of ridiculous.
I'm craving fruit and vegetables. I want the food. I'm also craving chocolate, but I think that's just because I'm PMSing. >.<
I told my friend about the fast. She'd like to do the same as me, but her dad is a chef. She supposes her mom will back her in a 3 day juice fast, but probably not in a green tea/water fast.
I don't know if it's the caffeine or the green tea magic trying to make my body repair the damages done by purging but my throat is raw. Maybe that will serve as an excuse not to attend yet another day of classes.
I'm feeling weak. In body, mind, and spirit. My body is exhausted from running on empty all day. My mind is set on pause because the rest of my brain is trying to figure out what the hell to do with all this random ass stimulus. My spirit is discouraged. Despite the fact that I'm loosing, it all seems to be in vain. What's the point? Why not seize the day and eat that little square of chocolate cake sitting upstairs on the counter, wrapped in cellophane?
Why? Because I know that if I do indulge, I'm never going to find any willpower. If I don't do this now, I'll never be able to. And for that, I will go from disliking myself, to loathing myself.
I need someone to tell me to keep going. Someone to tell me there is reason to this rambling rhyme. Will I ever find a purpose?
- Willow.
Any normal person would be overwhelmed. I think I'm past the ability to be overwhelmed. Maybe it's shock, maybe it's an inability to give a shit. Either way, I'm numb. It's all just useless fact, that while it has everything to do with me, my current state of being, my near future, and my distant future, it simply doesn't apply. Like seeing the stars through a pane of glass. They're all so wondrous, but they're distant and separate. They don't apply to the world inside your room.
I didn't go to school yesterday. I didn't go to school today. I'm hoping my father will let me bullshit my way through yet another day.
I've consumed less than 50 calories today. I've had 3 strawberries, a slice of tomato, 5 servings of green tea, an Acai berry pill, and a Bromalite pill. In a weird twist of fate, I'm now about 125 lbs. Kind of ridiculous.
I'm craving fruit and vegetables. I want the food. I'm also craving chocolate, but I think that's just because I'm PMSing. >.<
I told my friend about the fast. She'd like to do the same as me, but her dad is a chef. She supposes her mom will back her in a 3 day juice fast, but probably not in a green tea/water fast.
I don't know if it's the caffeine or the green tea magic trying to make my body repair the damages done by purging but my throat is raw. Maybe that will serve as an excuse not to attend yet another day of classes.
I'm feeling weak. In body, mind, and spirit. My body is exhausted from running on empty all day. My mind is set on pause because the rest of my brain is trying to figure out what the hell to do with all this random ass stimulus. My spirit is discouraged. Despite the fact that I'm loosing, it all seems to be in vain. What's the point? Why not seize the day and eat that little square of chocolate cake sitting upstairs on the counter, wrapped in cellophane?
Why? Because I know that if I do indulge, I'm never going to find any willpower. If I don't do this now, I'll never be able to. And for that, I will go from disliking myself, to loathing myself.
I need someone to tell me to keep going. Someone to tell me there is reason to this rambling rhyme. Will I ever find a purpose?
- Willow.
Frog and a Fast
Yay tickers!
I like my frog. Do you like my frog?
So! After plenty of binging and purging I'm taking the optimistic, hardworking route and doing a fast. I would say I'm punishing myself with a fast, but I don't want to think of it that way. Punishing myself sounds like I don't want to do it, when I do. Instead, I'm going to say that I'm celebrating the beginning of a new era by doing a fast.
I don't want to do a long fast, as I don't want to set myself up to fail. I'm thinking I'd like to accomplish a three day fast, including today. Drinking nothing but green tea and water, and eating strawberries. My daily calorie intake will stay below 100. I'll break the fast on Saturday by eating a banana or something, and have a soy yogurt and/or some cereal with soy milk later. We can get to that later. Right now I'm just excited about this fast. Wish me luck!
I like my frog. Do you like my frog?
So! After plenty of binging and purging I'm taking the optimistic, hardworking route and doing a fast. I would say I'm punishing myself with a fast, but I don't want to think of it that way. Punishing myself sounds like I don't want to do it, when I do. Instead, I'm going to say that I'm celebrating the beginning of a new era by doing a fast.
I don't want to do a long fast, as I don't want to set myself up to fail. I'm thinking I'd like to accomplish a three day fast, including today. Drinking nothing but green tea and water, and eating strawberries. My daily calorie intake will stay below 100. I'll break the fast on Saturday by eating a banana or something, and have a soy yogurt and/or some cereal with soy milk later. We can get to that later. Right now I'm just excited about this fast. Wish me luck!
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